


Yellow Wood Lane

by momochannie



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst, Blow Jobs, Boys In Love, Chan is a mess, Former Foster Kids, Hand Jobs, Idiots in Love, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Drug Addiction, M/M, Making Out, Mutual Pining, Past Relationship(s), Rimming, Soft Lee Felix (Stray Kids), Underage Drinking, it's about the found family, kind of a slow burn?
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-07
Updated: 2020-07-20
Packaged: 2021-03-01 21:47:16
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 23,832
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23534050
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/momochannie/pseuds/momochannie
Summary: At the end of Yellow Wood Lane sits a crumbling house covered in ivy. It's the home of eight boys who made a family for themselves when they didn't have one. The last thing that Chan wants is to ruin that, but he's hopelessly in love with Felix.(or that one former foster kid au where chan and felix are whipped for each other but scared of the consequences and absolutely oblivious)
Relationships: Bang Chan/Lee Felix, Han Jisung | Han/Lee Minho | Lee Know
Comments: 54
Kudos: 138





	1. Home is where your heart is set in stone

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Edit Oct. 11, 2020: So, as many of you know, this fic was written before September 2020 and contained many mentions of a former member of Stray Kids. Due to events that have come to light, I have replaced him with Younghyun (YoungK) from Day6 for chapters 1-7 in which he was mentioned. Some things might feel disjointed because of that. Sorry about that. This whole situation is just rough for me and everyone else. I hope you still enjoy the story!
> 
> Just a couple notes before you read!
> 
> 1\. Although this is rated E, that stuff doesn't come until later chapters, just fyi. I will let you know when we get there and also add additional tags at that point. 
> 
> 2\. The title of the chapter is a line from the song Home by Gabrielle Aplin.
> 
> That's it, please enjoy! :)

At the end of Yellow Wood Lane on the edge of the forest sat a house covered in ivy and peeling white paint. It was summer, and the willow trees outside were cascading green, wildflowers and tall grass claiming the overgrown lawn. The windows were always open, voices and laughter occasionally filtering through the humid air.

Every time Chan saw the house again after a long day, he felt a sense of relief wash over him. It was still there. He hadn’t imagined it. He wasn’t in a foster home dreaming of a better life because he had one. 

The day hadn’t been that long, but Chan had felt a heaviness in his chest for months now, and that made even a normal day working his two jobs seem harder than it usually would. When he got home though, he always felt the weight lighten a bit.

He put his old, rusty van in park and made his way down the footpath to the front door. He paused with his hand on the knob before turning it, listening for the noises of the other seven former foster kids who lived there. It had been a lot quieter since Younghyun had decided to leave, and it unsettled him. Voices floated down from the bedrooms upstairs, but it was nothing like the joyful noises that used to fill the house. 

Three years ago when Chan had gotten emancipated from his asshole foster parents, he had taken Younghyun and Changbin, who lived in the same house, with him. They had found the crumbling house and made a deal with the landowner for a rent they could keep up with. Chan had quickly started bringing his other friends to the house and working on their papers to get them out of the system. There was Hyunjin and Jisung who had lived in the same emotionally abusive house, Seungmin and Jeongin who were still in an underfunded orphanage, Felix who was intensely malnourished, and Minho who was scared for his life. They had all learned to heal and even thrive in their new home.

Chan and Younghyun had broken up last March after years of dating that had begun when they were still in a foster home together. That, Chan could deal with. He had actually been glad for it to happen. But Younghyun leaving? That had been something entirely different. Chan just hoped it hadn’t broken his little found family. 

Twisting the doorknob, Chan walked through the door to see Felix and Jeongin on the couch playing video games. Felix looked up at the sound of the door opening. When he saw it was Chan, a grin broke out on his face, his eyes curving into crescent moons. Chan’s heart beat a bit faster in his chest.

He wasn’t sure how long he had been in love with Felix. Maybe it had been at Felix’s high school graduation last month when, after he had thrown his cap, he had run right into Chan’s waiting arms. Maybe it had been Christmas Eve when they had laid under the lights of the Christmas tree and talked until the sun came up. Maybe it had been when Felix had finally gotten emancipated and moved into the house, and it had finally felt like home. Maybe it had been when they first met when they were in middle school. Maybe he had always been in love with him.

Chan didn’t know. All he did know was that every time he was around Felix, his chest felt tight. Felix’s smile made him want to cry with happiness and rip out his heart in longing at the same time. 

“Hey, Channie,” Felix said. He turned back to playing Rocket League and Chan squeezed onto the couch beside him. Jeongin was too enveloped in their game to greet him quite yet. Chan laid his head on Felix’s shoulder.

“How was work?” Felix asked, laying his head on top of Chan’s. 

“You smell like chlorine,” Jeongin said, in a way of greeting.

Chan chuckled. “That’ll happen when you’re teaching children how to do a backstroke.”

“It doesn’t smell that bad,” Felix said. He didn’t lift his head, so Chan figured it must be true.

“I can’t really complain about work. Parents pay me to splash around with their kids for hours,” Chan said. “A pretty sweet gig if you ask me.”

Someone started running down the stairs. Chan could tell because the old wooden steps made even the lightest footfalls sound like an approaching herd of elephants. 

“Chan,” Hyunjin called in a singsong voice. He ran over and flung himself across the three boys on the couch, disrupting Felix and Jeongin’s game.

“Get off!” Jeongin pushed his feet off of his lap. 

“So mean,” Hyunjin cried. He kicked Jeongin in the stomach. 

Jeongin yelped and began pinching Hyunjin’s legs. 

“Quit it, we’re in the middle of a game,” Felix yelled, elbowing Jeongin in the shoulder.

“He started it,” Jeongin and Hyunjin said at the same time. Chan put a hand over his mouth to try to keep from laughing. 

When Jeongin and Felix were finished with their game, Felix asked: “Are we still going to the lake? Everyone’s off work for the rest of the day.”

“Ooooh, the lake?” Hyunjin asked, sitting up. He leaned back so he was fully crushing Jeongin into the sofa. 

“I hate you,” said Jeongin in a muffled voice.

“Do you guys still want to?” 

They all replied with a “yes,” so Chan got up and went to the stairwell. 

“We’re going to the lake,” he yelled. “Be ready in ten minutes!”

And ten minutes later, they were all outside in swim trunks and t-shirts, scrambling to fit inside the van. Minho, Jisung, and Hyunjin had claimed the very back row while Seungmin, Changbin and Jeongin were fighting for the front seat. 

“Changbin, you got it last time,” Seungmin said. He was standing with his back against the door so no one could open it, but Changbin’s hand was on the handle so Seungmin couldn’t open it either. 

“No I didn’t,” Changbin said. “And anyway, I’m older so I should get it.”

“We don’t have sympathy for you, old man,” Jeongin said, crossing his arms. 

Chan rolled his eyes. It wasn’t even that long of a drive. As he was about to slip into the driver’s seat, he felt a hand on his arm. 

“Can I slip by you?” Felix asked. He looked up at Chan with a look that had been known to get him whatever he wanted from any of the boys. Chan would never admit it, but he would probably never be able to say no to Felix with his doe eyes and freckled cheeks. Not that he would want to anyway.

“Very sneaky,” Chan said, stepping aside to let him pass. He had been rooting for him to get the front seat, anyway. Felix always had a calming presence that was very helpful when transporting a van full of rowdy boys.

Felix flashed him a smile and scooted across the bench seat to the passenger side, followed by Chan in the driver’s seat. He knocked on the window that Seungmin was leaning against. 

“Are you kidding me?” Seungmin asked as they climbed into the middle row. 

“Buckle it up or risk death, kids,” Chan said as he backed up onto the road. 

The lake was only about a twenty minute drive away through the forest roads. They rolled the windows down and let in the smell of soil and blossoming flowers. Felix, as appointed DJ, put on 3005 by Childish Gambino and Jisung and Changbin rapped along, not missing a beat. 

Chan couldn’t help the occasional glance at Felix. It was only June, but the summer sun had already sprinkled more freckles across his nose and cheeks. His hair was bleach blonde and Chan wanted nothing more than to reach over and run his fingers through the soft looking locks. 

A sense of rightness settled over Chan. He lived for the summer, and it finally felt like maybe everyone was learning how to function again without there being nine of them anymore. The weirdness in the house had seeped into Chan’s bones and left him unsure of every decision he made.

Chan shook his head. He didn’t want to let his thoughts stray back there today. It was a fresh start for all of them. 

A couple more favorite rap songs later, Chan parked the car at the edge of the woods. Felix tore off his shirt and took off running for the lake with Seungmin, Changbin and Jeongin right behind him. Chan glanced at the backseat as the three remaining boys launched themselves over the seats. 

“Can I get some help carrying stuff?” Chan asked. 

Jisung and Hyunjin appeared to either have not heard him or completely ignored him, as they sprinted to the dock where Changbin was being pushed into the water by Seungmin. 

“Rude,” Minho called after them, but he was smiling. But maybe that was more about the fact that it was Jisung. Minho and Chan met at the trunk and began unloading the cooler and towels. 

“How’s it going with Jisung?” Chan asked. Minho and Jisung had both expressed to him their major crushes on each other many times, unbeknownst to the other. 

Minho sighed. “I don’t know,” he said, reaching up to shut the trunk. “Sometimes I feel like he’s flirting with me, like, how could he not be? But then he goes and pulls away or calls me ‘bro’ and then I’m not sure.”

Oh, Jisung. “I think you should just talk to him about it,” Chan said. The two had been dancing around each other for so long. It really was getting a bit painful for everyone else to watch.

Minho let out a laugh as they made their way to the lakeside. “Me? Address my feelings? You’re hilarious.”

When they got to the beach, it appeared that the other boys were engaging in some kind of breath-holding competition. Felix, his wet hair clinging to his forehead, was sitting on the deck and counting seconds. 

Chan put down the cooler and made his way down the dock to Felix, sitting maybe a bit too close to him. “Who do you think will win?” Chan asked. 

Felix hummed in thought. “Probably Seungmin,” he said. “He has choir lungs.”

Hyunjin and Jeongin popped out of the water at the same time, gasping for air. 

“Fifty-two seconds,” Felix said. Hyunjin groaned in embarrassment and floated on his back, kicking further out into the lake.

“My money’s on Jisung,” Chan said. “Just based on sheer annoying willpower.” 

“Me too,” Minho said. 

“Of course,” Felix said, knowingly.

Next out was Changbin. He paddled his way over to the dock and clung onto Felix’s leg.

“Seventy-six isn’t bad,” Felix said to a pouting Changbin. 

Chan looked away and focused intensely on the way the late afternoon sun played on the water. For a long time he had been trying and failing to ignore the way that Felix and Changbin acted around each other. It was just easier not to think about it. There was nothing he could do about it if they did like each other. And besides, he just wanted Felix to be happy. 

He swallowed. Minho sat down on the dock next to him, cheering for Jisung. 

In another twenty seconds, Jisung was out. He took in big gulps of air, glaring at Seungmin, whose mouth and nose were still underwater.

“Come on, dude,” Jisung cried. “You already won.”

Jeongin took it into his own hands and went over and tickled Seungmin. He flailed around, trying to hit Jeongin while the rest of them laughed. 

“Cheater,” Seungmin cried when he finally came up for air. He punched Jeongin in the arm.

They all laughed as the two of them escalated their brawl into a full on splash war. They all took part in it, eventually succumbing when they realized they were going to be splashed whether or not they participated. Chan and Minho shrugged off their shirts and joined the others in the water.

Chan shut his eyes tight and propelled water in the general direction of his friends, resulting in shouts of protest. His swimmer arms made him the clear winner with Hyunjin and Changbin putting up a good fight as well. 

“I can’t believe that you, the former swim team captain, lost a breath holding contest,” Chan said to Hyunjin.

“Look, I don’t need this from you,” Hyunjin said dramatically, turning away from Chan, the former-former swim team captain. 

“Aww, Hyunnie is pouting,” Jisung said, swimming up behind Hyunjin to attach to his back like a koala. “It’s okay, you’re a winner to me.”

Chan looked over at Minho who was pointedly looking away, beginning to talk to Felix. He sighed, recognizing the look on his face. Minho didn’t have anything to worry about, though. After Hyunjin and Jisung had moved out of their shared foster home, where they constantly felt like they had to compete for attention just to survive, and moved in with the other boys, they had stopped fighting and become basically inseparable. Chan knew that Jisung only had eyes for Minho, though. 

After a race between Chan and Hyunjin (which Chan won), several rounds of chicken that Chan and Felix sadly didn’t pair up for, and a dinner consisting of the random food that they had thrown in the cooler in a panic before heading out, the boys laid out on the dock to watch the sunset. Chan laid down at the end of the dock, letting his feet hang in the lake as the sky began turning from red to purple. He glanced to the side as someone laid down beside him. It was Felix. 

They stayed quiet for a moment, listening to the voices of the boys who were like their family, their eyes trained on the sky. 

“Are you okay?” Felix asked, breaking the silence. 

Chan turned to look at him and saw that Felix’s head was already turned to face him. He was struck by just how close they were. “Yeah,” he said. “Why?”

Felix pursed his lips. “You’ve just seemed sad lately. Not really today, but yeah.”

Chan let out a breath through his nose. He had hoped that no one had noticed his mood, but Felix was always one of the most observant of them all. “It’s just been really hard.”

“Because of Younghyun?”

Chan ran his fingernails along the damp wood of the dock. “Yes and no.” Felix didn’t say anything, waiting for him to say more. “I just feel like everyone changed when he left. I don’t blame him for it, really. He deserved to get into that school and I’m glad he’s transfering, but I guess it also felt like a betrayal. We all thought that it was going to be the nine of us together forever against the world. I thought he was always going to be there.” He closed his eyes and turned his face toward the sky again. 

Small fingers slipped through his own and his eyes flew open again. “I know what you mean,” Felix said, quietly. “I miss him too.”

Chan was quiet for a while. The sun finally set, the light in the west turning a deep blue. He didn’t want to say anything to ruin the moment. Things like this didn’t happen between them very often. No one really got alone time with anyone in their house. He wanted to hold onto this for as long as he could. 

“Maybe we could do things like this more often,” Felix said. Chan turned his head to the side again. Was Felix saying what he thought he was saying? “You know, fun stuff with all of us.” Oh. “Maybe it would cheer everyone up.”

It took a moment for his heart to slow down again. God, he really had it bad. “Yeah, Lix,” he said, finally. “I think that would be good.”

Felix squeezed his hand. “We’ll get through it.”

For the first time in a long time, Chan felt like he really would.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading!  
> Don't forget to leave comments and kudos, they are my food.  
> Come talk to me about chanlix on twitter [here](https://twitter.com/chanlixrights).  
> Many thanks to the lovely Libby for beta reading. <3


	2. I would never dare to tell

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much to everyone for the kudos and comments! You guys are so sweet and I really appreciate it.  
> I'm going to try to update this weekly (give or take a few days), so keep an eye out!
> 
> The chapter title is a lyric from R.E.M by Ariana Grande. 
> 
> Enjoy!

When Felix had moved into the Yellow Wood Lane house, he had chosen to stay in the room with the biggest window. He was cold a lot when he was younger, probably a result of not being given the proper nutrition. He had always sought out the sun, and this window was facing east. His bed had been pushed against the glass ever since. 

It was hard for Felix to get up that morning. The sunlight warmed his face in the most pleasant way and Dori, one of their three cats, had curled up against him. When Minho, his roommate and the self proclaimed cat father, had left for his job as a dance instructor this morning, Dori had decided that Felix was a suitable cuddle alternative. The air coming through the open window was cool and fresh. He watched the leaves sway in the breeze.

The remnants of his dream still clung to him. He couldn’t remember exactly what it had been about, but he could remember the feeling of Chan’s lips against his. It was a kind of dream he had had countless times. He wanted to hold onto it for as long as he could before he had to get out of bed and step back into reality. 

Felix could remember the exact moment that he had realized he was in love with Chan. It had been during the summer after he had moved into the Yellow Wood Lane house. Felix had gone with some of the boys to explore the woods surrounding their house. 

The heat was awful, but the shade of the leaves had made it a little more bearable. The other boys were climbing trees and fighting with sticks they pretended were swords, but Felix was slowly weaving through the trees, running his hands along the rough bark, feeling the grass between his toes. 

He found Chan sitting with his back against a tree. His eyes were closed, his face tilted up towards the sun. His hair was curly in the humidity and his lips were turned up in a small smile. The light through the branches made him seem like he was glowing. Felix felt something swell in his chest. Chan was the most beautiful person he had ever seen. When he opened his eyes and saw Felix, a grin spread across his face. Felix felt like he couldn’t breathe. He had known then and there that he would love this boy forever. 

“Hey,” Felix heard from behind him. He rolled over and saw Chan hovering in the doorway. He was breathless again. Not much had changed about the way Felix felt about him over the years. If anything, it had only gotten more intense. 

“Good morning,” Felix said. 

“Do you need a ride to work?” Chan asked. 

It took a minute for Felix to process what he said. He was still trying to separate reality from what he wished was reality. In his dream, he could walk over to Chan and press his lips against his, trail kisses against his jaw and neck until they both realized it would be better to stay in bed all day. In reality, he was going to be late for work.

He glanced at his phone. He was supposed to be at Gamestop in a half an hour to open the store. “Shit,” he muttered. “Yeah, give me a second to change.”

Felix hurried through his morning routine in ten minutes, then threw on a soft blue shirt and jeans before rushing down the stairs. He sat down by the front door to pull on his boots as Chan walked up to him with a cereal bar. Felix took it from him and put it in his pocket. 

Normally, Felix would bike to work, but occasionally when he was late and Chan wasn’t at work, or if Chan also had an opening shift at the record store he worked at, they would ride to work together. It was a Thursday, so Felix knew that Chan didn’t have a shift until later that afternoon. Chan was just being kind, and that had caused a blush to begin its creep over his cheeks when Chan offered to give him a ride.

They got in the car, and Chan put his arm on the back of the seat to back out of the driveway, his fingers brushing Felix’s shoulder. Felix shoved half of the cereal bar in his mouth in an attempt to cover up his flustered state. 

Once they were on the road, Chan said, “I was thinking about what you said the other day.”

Felix swallowed his mouthful of cereal bar. “What did I say the other day?”

“At the lake,” Chan said. “When you were saying we should do stuff as a group more often.”

Well, now Felix was just thinking about Chan shirtless and sunkissed in the lake. His broad shoulders as he raced through the water. The way his curls had clung to his forehead in the cutest way. The way the sunlight-

Wow, Felix needed to pull himself together. 

“Umm, yeah, well we should,” he said, a beat too late. 

“I was thinking we could all watch something together tonight,” Chan said, apparently not noticing Felix’s state, his eyes still on the road. “I’m working until closing though. Would you mind wrangling everyone and picking something to watch? I just don’t want to keep Minho and Changbin up too late and if we wait until I get there to start all that, we’ll probably be there all night.”

“Yeah, for sure,” Felix said. “That sounds like fun.”

Chan reached over and squeezed his shoulder. “Thanks, Lix.”

Felix walked through the empty mall in a great mood that morning. Work went easier that usual, too. When middle aged men with neckbeards lectured him about how much more they knew about video games than him, it didn’t even bother him. 

Hyunjin came in to visit him on his lunch break. He worked at Sephora, just a couple stores down. “You look unnaturally happy today,” he said, suspiciously.

Felix shrugged and continued reorganizing the PS4 games. “Just in a good mood.”

“Bet something happened with Chan,” Hyunjin mutttered, taking a bite of his Subway sandwich. 

“What does that even mean?” Felix could feel his face heat up again. 

“Oh please,” Hyunjin said. “You’re so in love with him.”

Felix dropped the copy of “Shadow of the Colossus” he was holding. “Did Changbin tell you?” Changbin was his best friend, the only person he had ever trusted with his feelings for Chan. 

“No, he didn’t,” Hyunjin said. “I can just tell.”

Shit. Felix turned to look at him. He was still standing there, eating his sandwich like this was a totally normal conversation for the two of them to have. 

“Do you think the others know?” Felix asked. 

Hyunjin snorted. “No,” he said. “They’re not the most observant.”

Dating was a strange topic in their house. Sure, people had crushes on each other. Everyone knew that Jisung and Minho liked each other besides Jisung and Minho. It was pretty obvious to Felix that Hyunjin had a crush on Changbin. No one ever said anything about it, though. At least, before the breakup no one did. Chan and Younghyun had been an established item forever, but they didn’t act super lovey-dovey around the others. Sure, they used to hug each other and hold hands, but whatever they had happened behind the closed doors of their room. The others didn’t talk about it much until they had broken up.

After they broke up, the others had talked about it without Chan, who had always just kept it to himself, except the other day at the lake. Felix’s happiness last March that Chan and Younghyun had broken up had quickly turned to sadness when he saw how sad Chan was. Felix’s heart broke to think about it. He wished he could take his pain away. He didn’t need to make this harder for Chan by bringing his own feelings into it.

“Please don’t tell anyone,” Felix said, meeting Hyunjin’s eyes. 

Hyunjin smiled. “I won’t,” he said. “It’s not my secret to tell.”

The rest of his shift was distinctly less fun than the morning had been. Every warm feeling from his dream had faded and now he was fully faced with the reality that there was no way he would ever be able to be with Chan. He just needed to push those thoughts away. 

After work and a ride home on Hyunjin’s bike handlebars, Felix started harassing the others about watching something together. They all seemed excited about it, offering a ton of suggestions for what they could watch.  
Felix sat on the kitchen counter while Minho made stir fry for dinner. The smells had lured him in from the living room where he had been talking with Seungmin. 

“I don’t think I’ll ever be able to cook as well as you,” Felix said, sighing as he breathed in the smell of meat, vegetables and soy sauce.

“Probably true,” Minho said. “You really suck at cooking.”

Felix kicked him in the butt. “Uncalled for!”

Minho just laughed, shrugging. “You brought it up.”

“Ooooh,” Jisung said, coming into the kitchen. “Something smells amazing.” He came behind Minho and wrapped his arms around his waist.

Good Lord.

“I know,” Minho said. He was smiling at the stove top. “Someone should wife me up.”

Felix suppressed the urge to groan in frustration. They were so in love with each other. It always made jealousy rise up in his chest. 

“Maybe I will,” Jisung said. Then he kissed Minho on the cheek and ran out of the room. 

“Han Jisung,” Minho called after him, his tone scolding. The blush covering his cheeks gave him away, though. 

This time Felix did groan. “You guys are disgusting,” he said. “You need to just tell him you like him and get it over with.”

Minho hit Felix on the knee with his spatula. 

“Ow!”

“Get out of my kitchen!”

Felix stuck his tongue out at him and left the glorious smelling stir fry. He made his way through the living room where Seungmin, Jisung, Yeongin, and Hyunjin were engaged in some kind of arm wrestling tournament, and went up to the second floor. 

Poking his head in Changbin’s room, he saw that his best friend was sitting at his desk with his headphones on, watching some new underground rap artist. Felix walked over and tapped on one of the headphones. Changbin jumped, smacking Felix’s hand. He took off the headphones and scowled. 

“You scared the shit out of me,” he said. 

“Sorry,” Felix said. He walked over to Changbin’s bed and flopped down on his back. 

“Someone’s dramatic today,” Changbin said. He walked over to the bed and looked down at Felix. “What’s wrong?”

“Jisung and Minho are being adorable and oblivious again,” Felix said. “It’s gross.”

“Yeah, that’s nothing new,” Changbin said. “There’s obviously something else.”

Felix huffed out a breath. “Hyunjin figured out that I like Chan.”

“I mean, you aren’t that subtle.” Changbin sat on the bed next to him and pet his hair. 

“I hate everything,” Felix grumbled. 

“You know you could just talk to him about it if it’s going to keep eating you up like this,” Changbin said, all too reasonably. “It’s Chan. He’s not going to make fun of you.”

“I don’t think…” Felix started to say, but the words got caught in his throat. He covered his eyes with his forearm. He wanted to start the day over again. It wasn’t like his thoughts being taken over by Chan was something new, but he just wished he hadn’t let them consume him quite as much as they had today. They could so easily turn from sweet to heartbreaking. 

“I don’t think that’s a good idea,” Felix said. “He’s obviously not over Younghyun and I don’t want to make it worse for him. And…” He trailed off, not wanting to say the last bit.

“And you don’t want him to reject you,” Changbin said. 

“I just care about him so much,” Felix whispered. 

“I know.”

They stayed there like that for a while and Felix started to feel better. Maybe he couldn't have everything he wanted, but he had his friends. That would have to be okay for now. 

There was a soft knock on the door jam and Felix sat up to see Chan. His eyes looked tired. 

“Movie time,” he said simply. He left, not waiting for a response. 

Felix immediately got up and ran to catch up with him. The sun was beginning to set and they hadn’t turned on the lights yet, so the hall was dark. Felix stumbled on a loose floor board that he should have known was there. Chan turned around and caught his arm before he fell.

“Hey,” Felix said, looking up from his near landing spot. 

“Be careful,” Chan said, a small smile on his lips. All at once, Felix felt all his problems melt away. As long as he could have this much of Chan, he would be fine. 

Felix steadied himself and led the way down the stairs. “Did you just get home?” he asked.

“Yeah,” Chan said. “Everyone’s in the living room. Thanks.” His voice sounded a little off. He was probably just tired.

Minho had brought the stir fry, bowls and chopsticks into the living room and set them on the coffee table. Netflix was open to their shared account. Minho, Jisung, Seungmin, and Jeongin were squished together on the couch and scarfing down dinner, Hyunjin leaning against Jisung’s legs. 

Chan got some food and moved to sit on the arm of the couch. Felix went to the other arm and dug into the stir fry, which was absolutely as good as it had smelled earlier. Changbin claimed the loveseat in the corner. 

“I think we should watch The Witcher,” Jisung said when he came up for air. 

“You’ve already seen it twice,” Minho said. 

“But everyone else hasn’t,” he said with a shrug and got up to get seconds. “I also think that everyone needs to see the idiotic gay glory of Geralt and Jaskier.”

“Let’s do it,” Felix said. “I loved the games.”

Jisung let out a cheer, doing a weird dance that vaguely resembled twerking. 

“Get your butt out of my face,” Seungmin said as Jeongin started the first episode. 

…

By the fourth episode, Chan didn’t think he could take it anymore.

After the first episode, Felix had moved over to the love seat to sit with Changbin. Sometime after that, they had started cuddling. Felix was practically sitting in Changbin’s lap, Changbin’s arms wrapped around his waist. It was unbearable. 

“I’m gonna go to bed,” Chan said, getting off of the arm of the couch.

“Chan, you party pooper,” Jisung said from where his head was resting in Minho’s lap. 

“Have fun, guys.” Was all Chan could bring himself to say as he retreated upstairs. 

He shut the door to his and Jisung’s room, grabbed his notebook, opened the window and settled himself down on the roof of the first floor that extended towards the back of the house. Maybe writing lyrics would help him get rid of the urge to fist fight Changbin. He knew he was being unreasonable and stupid. Changbin was one of his best friends. Felix had never been his anyway. He had to write something that wasn’t about this. He had to get his mind off of it. 

Turning the worn pages of his notebook, he came to some lines he had written about looking at the stars with his mind full of thoughts. It seemed inconspicuous enough, but also definitely still true at the moment. 

After a few minutes, a quiet knock sounded at the door. He wouldn’t have heard it if he hadn’t had his eyes closed, actively listening to the sounds of the night. 

“Come in,” he called. It was probably just Jisung coming to bed. He turned around to look.

It was Felix. Goddamn it. Chan dug his fingernails into his palm. 

“Can I hang out with you?” Felix asked. “Jisung and Minho are too much.”

Chan consciously made himself relax. He gestured to the space on the roof beside him. Felix climbed through the window, which was a lot easier for him than it was for Chan. He was so small and cute. He dug his fingernails in harder. He needed to stop thinking that. 

“What are you working on?” Felix asked. He laid his head on Chan’s shoulder. He needed to stop.

It didn’t matter that Felix was adorable, that he smelled like floral shampoo, that the warmth of Felix pressed against his side made his brain turn to mush. Felix obviously liked Changbin. He needed to let his feelings go, or he would screw everything up again. Just when it was getting back to normal. 

“Here,” Chan said, handing over his notebook. 

Felix sat up, the warmth receding as he read the lyrics Chan had been working on. Chan looked up at the stars, trying, like his lyrics, to find meaning in them. 

He began reciting the line that Chan had just written: “Although I ran while looking at those stars, I’m afraid that this path that I’m on is deserted. Can I become like those stars?” He watched as Felix ran his fingers across the words. “Chan, this is beautiful.” Felix said softly. 

“You really think so?” Chan asked, despite himself. Felix’s opinion meant a lot to him. Not only was he, you know, Felix, but he also loved poetry. Felix was going to school to study literature in the fall. 

“Yeah, I do,” Felix said. “This song sounds lonely, but almost hopeful.” He gently took the pencil from Chan and began to doodle stars in the margins. “Longing,” he said. “That’s the word.”

Chan watched as Felix connected the stars into brand new constellations. His hair was falling forward and he bit lightly on his bottom lip in concentration. At least he could have this much of Felix. This would have to be enough. He could make it enough.

“Yeah,” Chan agreed. “Longing.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to the lovely Libby for beta reading. I love you sm.  
> Come talk to me on twitter [here](https://twitter.com/chanlixrights)!


	3. I want you, bless my soul

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys, sorry that this chapter took so long! I'm in the middle of finals right now and I also had to move last week, so every thing is a bit crazy. I will be updating more regularly from now on.
> 
> Enjoy some chanlix angst and some minsung stupidity this chapter!
> 
> The chapter title is from "I Think He Knows" by Taylor Swift.

Jisung was convinced that the universe had created Lee Minho specifically to destroy him. That was the only explanation that made any sense to him.

He had thought that it would be nice to bring Minho dinner at the dance studio. Classes ran until late in the evening on Saturdays, and Jisung knew that Minho wouldn’t have time to eat. He had adopted a crazy work schedule after becoming one of the head dance instructors a couple months ago. 

Jisung was currently standing, frozen, in front of the practice room where Minho was just finishing up a modern dance lesson. The whole class was going through their routine from the top, with Minho at the front of the room. He moved so fluidly, like he was letting the movement flow through him. All Jisung could do was stare in awe. 

It had taken him a little while to understand that the feelings he had for Minho weren’t the kind of feeling someone was supposed to have for a platonic best friend. When he had realized, he hadn’t quite known what to do. He knew that Minho was gay, he had had a couple of boyfriends when they were in high school. Jisung just didn’t know what spot he occupied in Minho’s life. Sometimes it seemed like Minho felt the same way that he did. That gave Jisung hope.

Minho finished up the class, dismissing the students and congratulating them on their hard work. Jisung stepped to the side to let them file out into the hallway. He didn’t think Minho had seen him yet.

“Hey,” Jisung said, poking his head in the room. 

Minho looked up from where he was unplugging his phone from the sound system and smiled at him. “Jisungie!”

He held up the bag of Chinese take-out. “I thought you could use some dinner.”

Something loosened in Minho’s face, a layer of stress that Jisung hadn’t even been aware was there. He walked over and hugged Jisung, his hands wrapping around his waist. 

“You’re so sweet,” he said, pulling back. He took the bag from Jisung and walked over to sit against the wall of mirrors. 

“I just knew you worked late today, and I figured it’s hard to work on an empty stomach,” Jisung said. He sat down next to Minho and opened one of the cartons, digging in. He was hungry too. 

“This is actually my last class today,” Minho said. When Jisung looked confused, he clarified: “The last class in an advanced lesson, but most of the students were going to be out today, so we just ended up cancelling it. I was dreading the bike ride home with such low energy, though. Thank you.”

Jisung felt a happy warmth spread through his chest. “Any time.”

They ate and chatted about the day, their knees pressed together. Every time that they had a moment like this, Jisung felt so thankful, no matter how many times stuff like this had happened and would happen again in the future. Every day with Minho felt like a blessing.

When they were finished, they walked together out to where their bikes were parked. The dance studio was a few miles from the house; not the worst, but not exactly a short ride. 

“Let’s go back along the river,” Minho said. “It’s so hot.”

“I’m down for that,” Jisung said. It would be a longer ride, but the coolness of the air by the water would make the sweltering humidity more bearable. 

Jisung peddled behind Minho as they made their way through the streets of their town. They biked past restaurants beginning to fill up for dinner, shops in the downtown area, and the section of fancy houses next to the river. 

The river bank was sparsely populated with groups of friends and couples who seemed to have also wanted to escape the heat for a little while. A mother duck and her ducklings swam lazily through the rippling water.

“Minho, let’s stop,” Jisung said, hopping off of his bike and laying it down off of the sidewalk. 

He ran over to the side of the river and watched as the little ducklings passed them by. Minho came up behind him and rested his chin on Jisung’s shoulder. 

“They’re so cute,” Jisung said. 

Minho laughed. “They’re just ducks.”

“Look at that,” Jisung said, pointing. One of the ducklings was flapping his tiny wings slightly. “Adorable.”

“No, you’re adorable,” Minho said. 

Jisung turned around and looked at him. His eyes looked sincere and Jisung’s heart beat too fast in his rib cage. He couldn’t decide whether to laugh it off or not. They said things like this to each other sometimes, but it was always a joke. Or, at least Jisung thought it had been. There was something so vulnerable in Minho’s voice and in his eyes, though. 

Without trying to think too much about it, Jisung lifted his hand up and cupped Minho’s cheek. Minho took in a sharp breath, as if he was surprised. But then he leaned into the touch, his eyes still on Jisung. 

Then, Minho did something that Jisung never thought in a million years would actually happen. This was sometimes a game with them, they would pretend to lean in for a kiss but then one of them would lean back and laugh it off at the last second. But this time, Minho leaned down all the way and pressed a soft, hesitant kiss to Jisung’s lips. 

It took Jisung a second to process his shock. After he came to terms with the fact that he wasn’t dreaming, that this was actually happening, he parted his lips slightly and kissed him back.

There was something in the air or in Minho’s lips that made the moment feel like magic. Their mouths fit together like they had done this a thousand times before. Jisung threaded his fingers through his hair, pulling him closer. Minho tilted his head, deepening the kiss. Jisung let out a whine and he felt Minho smile as he wrapped his arm around him. 

It was intoxicating. All of the times Jisung had imagined kissing him, he had never imagined it feeling this good.

They pulled away, foreheads resting against each other, panting slightly. Jisung looked up from Minho’s lips to his eyes. They were shining in the dusk and it was like Jisung’s focus narrowed to just the beautiful boy in front of him.

“I’ve wanted to do that for a long time,” Minho said.

“Me too.”

It wasn’t until they had pulled themselves away from the river and each other and they were riding home side-by-side that Jisung stopped to think what Minho meant by that. He had assumed that Minho felt the same way that he did, but he wasn’t sure. 

Maybe this was just another extension of the easy physical friendship that the two of them had developed over the years. Maybe Minho didn’t feel the same happy euphoria that had come with the kiss. Maybe it was just fun for him. 

When they got home, Jisung slipped away to his room without saying anything else to Minho. He flopped onto his bed and screamed into his pillow. Why was his brain like this?

…

An hour into their shift at the record store together, Chan was ready to strangle Jisung. There was a limit to the amount of times he could assure Jisung that Minho liked him and have Jisung ignore him to continue his unfortunately relatable gay pining. He had decided to text Hyunjin to come and knock some sense into Jisung. Hyunjin and Felix showed up an hour after that with three coffees and a tea for Chan.

“I’m going to die,” Jisung said, splaying his hands on the glass counter and staring at Hyunjin.

Hyunjin rolled his eyes. “What happened this time?”

For probably the 300th time that day, Jisung recounted the events of the previous evening: “So, I brought Minho dinner at the dance studio and then we biked back together along the river. I made us stop because I saw some cute ducklings and then he was standing behind me and I turned around and he kissed me.” He buried his head in his now folded arms, muffling his next words slightly. “It was the best moment of my life and he was probably just joking around.”

“Jisung, you absolute disaster gay,” Hyunjin said. 

Jisung mumbled something else incomprehensible. Chan turned to Felix and let out an exasperated sigh as he took his tea from him. 

“Has he been like this all day?” Felix asked.

Chan took a sip, the liquid was nearly hot enough to burn. “Unfortunately.” He stopped before taking another sip, looking at Felix. “Are you wearing makeup?”

The boy in question brought up a hand to rub at the back of his neck. “I was hanging out with Hyunjin at work because I got off two hours before him,” he said. “He said he was bored and wanted to turn me into a real e-boy.” He held up the sleeves of his black and white striped shirt.

Felix had on smudged eyeliner and a little bit of red eyeshadow. It also looked like he had something vaguely glossy on his lips. Chan had to fight hard to keep his facial expressions under control. He looked so good. It was unfair. 

“He looks hot, huh?” Hyunjin said from where he was trying to get Jisung to pick his head up. 

Chan coughed. “Umm, yeah, sure,” he said, sounding a bit like he was being choked. 

“Don’t be weird,” Felix said and tried to kick Hyunjin in the shin. Hyunjin laughed and dodged him.

“You guys,” Jisung cried, finally lifting his head up. “I’m in crisis here!”

“You being an idiot is not a crisis,” Hyunjin said, but he placed his hand over Jisung’s anyway. 

“I’m not being an idiot,” Jisung said. “I’m in love with him. What if he doesn’t feel that way about me?”

“He’s told me that he likes you,” Felix said. 

“I keep trying to tell him that,” Chan said.

“But what if he just likes me as a friend,” Jisung said.

“If you honestly believe that at this point, there’s nothing I can do to help you,” Chan said. He turned to face Felix and they shared an eye roll. 

“Here’s what you do,” Hyunjin said. “You have a conversation with him and ask him what he thinks the kiss meant.”

“I can’t-” Jisung started. 

“Yes, you can,” Felix said, walking over and putting his hand over Jisung’s other hand. “You have to do it. Otherwise, you’ll never know.” 

“Would that be so bad?” Jisung asked. Chan recognized the fear in his eyes. As much as he thought Jisung was being stupid and oblivious, he understood the fear of knowing for sure whether or not your feelings were reciprocated. 

“It would,” Felix said. “And you know that, too.”

“You two can have our room to talk tonight,” Chan said. “Or whatever you end up doing.”

Jisung’s already flushed face turned ruby red at that comment. He pulled his hands away and covered his blush. “I hate all of you.”

“So that’s a yes?” Chan asked. 

Jisung brought his hands down and nodded. His eyes looked determined. 

…

Felix, Hyunjin and Chan stayed with Jisung until he finished closing up the store. They tried to keep Jisung’s mind off of the impending “talk” by singing along to some of their favorite records. Felix was always floored by how good of a singer Chan was. Chan was in a rap group with Jisung and Changbin that they had named 3racha, but he also had the voice of an angel. It made Felix feel weak in the knees. 

When they were done at the store, Hyunjin and Felix loaded their bikes in the back of the van and they all headed home. It was already dark by the time they got there. The lighted windows of their house appeared like beacons in the darkness.

Felix hung back while Hyunjin dragged a protesting Jisung inside. There wasn’t anything else he could do for his friend, and the whole situation was starting to annoy him a little. Chan seemed to have the same idea. He was leaning back on the hood of the van, looking at the stars. 

“Do you want to go sit on the trampoline?” Felix asked him. 

Chan nodded. 

“I’ll go get blankets and stuff and meet you out there,” Felix said before making his way inside. 

He wasn’t sure if he had ever seen the second floor look quite like this. Jeongin, Seungmin, Hyunjin and Changbin were huddled against the door of Chan and Jisung’s room, trying to hear the conversation between Jisung and Minho. 

“Why-” Felix began.

Jeongin turned around and held a finger to his lips to shush him. Felix rolled his eyes. He grabbed some blankets out of the hall closet and his sketchbook from his room and went out to the backyard, flipping on the floodlight as he stepped out of the door. Chan leaned against the metal frame of the trampoline, watching him approach. 

Felix passed him some of the blankets and they made a comfy bed of fabric to lie on before climbing onto the trampoline. Felix sat and after a moment of what seemed like deliberation, Chan laid down on his side, his head on Felix’s right thigh. 

Felix was cautious at first, as if Chan was a skittish deer he would scare off if he made the wrong move. After a moment, though, he ran a hand through Chan’s hair. 

“Are you okay?” he asked. 

“Yeah,” Chan said, his voice small. “Just tired.”

Felix could tell that there was more. He wanted to ask him what was wrong, but he didn’t. More than anything, he wanted to be a shelter for Chan. Somewhere he could go when he felt low. If Chan didn’t want to talk about it, he wouldn’t make him.

“Okay,” Felix said. He continued to stroke Chan’s hair for a long while. 

He wasn’t sure how much time had passed when Chan’s breathing began to even out. Felix didn’t know how to fix whatever was going on with Chan, but he could let him sleep. 

After a while, he moved his hand away and opened his sketchbook to a clean page. In high school, Felix had started taking art classes. He loved writing, but sometimes he didn’t know how to express what he felt with words. Sometimes he just couldn’t. And when that happened, he drew things.

He wasn’t sure when he would ever get the chance to draw Chan like this again. He sketched his summer curls, the curve of his lips, the fan of his eyelashes on his cheeks. Everything he couldn’t say he let flow out of his pencil. 

When he was done, he just let himself look at Chan. He was so beautiful, and Felix wanted to memorize every detail he could. When Chan woke up, Felix made himself look away again.

…

As soon as the door closed, Minho felt the panic rise in his stomach. Jisung was going to tell him he didn’t actually like him like that. That’s why he had been ignoring him, right? It looked like Jisung was going to throw up. That couldn’t be a good sign.

Minho crossed his arms and looked at his feet. “What did you want to talk to me about?” he asked. 

“I, umm,” Jisung said. He began to pace. “You know, what happened the other day?”

“When we kissed?” Minho asked.

“Yeah,” he said. “Why did you do it?”

That took him by surprise. He thought that Jisung knew why he had done it: he was in love with him. He looked up and Jisung looked so fragile. Maybe he had gotten it all wrong.

He unfolded his arms and took a tentative step towards him. “Because I like you,” he said.

“Right,” Jisung said, nodding. “But, just as a friend?”

Minho let out an involuntary laugh at that. Jisung’s eyes were darting around, trying to look anywhere but Minho’s face. And Minho finally got it. 

He reached out and took one of Jisung’s hands. “Sungie, look at me.” And he did. Minho felt a soft smile form on his lips. “I like you as so much more than a friend. I kissed you because I wanted to. I think about kissing you all the time.”

Something broke in Jisung’s expression. “I think about it all the time, too.”

This time it was Jisung who kissed him. It wasn’t soft and delicate like last time. Jisung grabbed the front of his shirt and pressed his mouth against Minho’s in messy, open mouthed kisses. Minho held him close and matched his energy, running his tongue along Jisung’s. Jisung let out a noise that Minho never wanted to forget as long as he lived.

Minho pulled away for a moment. Jisung chased after his lips, as if desperate for him to stay. “I’m not going anywhere,” he said. 

“Please,” Jisung said, his voice cracking. 

“I could never,” Minho said. He took the younger boy’s face in his hands. “I’m yours.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to the lovely Libby for beta reading. I love you always.  
> Come talk to me on twitter [here](https://twitter.com/chanlixrights)!


	4. Take me where the music ain't too loud

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know I said I was getting back to regular updates, but the end of the semester was BRUTAL and it took me a little bit to recover. At least now I have a bachelor's degree! Hopefully from now on I should be uploading about every week or week and a half. Thank you guys for sticking with me!
> 
> The chapter title is from the song "Wish You Were Sober" by Conan Gray.

Felix threw his phone to the floor and buried his head in his pillow. The ringtone played for what seemed like the hundredth time that day. He should just block the number.

Every few months, Felix’s old foster mom tried to get into contact with him. He didn’t know why she had decided to care now after years of not giving a single shit about him. It was mentally and emotionally exhausting to keep dodging her calls.

Since Felix was a baby, he had bounced around foster homes. When he was in middle school, he got placed with Laurie. He thought she meant well at first. At least she was nice to him, unlike many of the other foster parents he had had. Over time though, he started to understand who she really was. She was just using the checks that the government gave her to care for him as a way to fund her drug addiction. The money that was supposed to go towards food and clothing for him was spent on prescriptions that weren’t meant for her. 

He hated thinking about that time in his life. He had felt like he was worth nothing. It was as far from safe as he could remember feeling. 

There was no good reason he hadn’t blocked the number yet. Maybe he just couldn’t bring himself to cut her off from his life completely. In some sort of fucked up way, maybe Felix still wanted her attention. He didn’t know. 

The ringtone stopped and Felix breathed a sigh of relief. He rolled onto his back and stared at the ceiling, wrapped up in thoughts he wished he could get out of his head. 

“Lix?” Seungmin called from the doorway.

Felix hummed in response, not bothering to turn his head.

“You okay?” he asked. 

“Not really.”

The ringtone started up again and Felix groaned, covering his face with his pillow. 

“Who’s ‘bitch-zilla’?” Seungmin asked.

Felix tossed the pillow away and looked at him with a withering gaze where he stood, holding Felix’s phone. “Laurie.”

“Gross,” Seungmin said. Felix watched as he did something on his phone. They had all long ago learned each others’ passwords and hadn’t seen any need to change them. Seungmin held out the phone to Felix. “I blocked her number.”

Felix looked at the screen blankly for a moment before taking it, locking it again, and putting it next to him on the bed. “Thanks.”

Seungmin sat on the floor and rested his chin on the bed next to Felix’s head. “Do you want to talk about it?” he asked.

“Not really,” Felix said. There wasn’t anything he could say about the situation that was new. They all came from shitty living situations that had left them to cope with a cocktail of trauma, mental health issues and misplaced guilt. He knew that Seungmin understood what he was feeling. 

“You want me to ask my boss if he’ll buy us booze?” Seungmin asked. 

Felix laughed and turned to look at him. His face was sincere. “Oh, you weren’t kidding?”

Seungmin shrugged. “I’ve done it before,” he said. “Where do you think the alcohol at our graduation party came from?”

“Isn’t that illegal?”

“Totally illegal.”

“Let’s do it,” Felix said.

A couple hours and a phone call later, Felix and Seungmin parked their bikes in an empty church parking lot, a few blocks away from the liquor store. The sun hung low in the sky, the buildings casting long shadows.

The little church was on a quiet street, so logically Felix knew that he was fine, but he couldn’t stop feeling like he was exposed. Like he was going to get in trouble. Maybe it was the lingering paranoia that came from all the unwanted calls he had gotten that day.

“Here he comes,” Seungmin said. 

Felix looked down the street and saw a small man in sunglasses, crouched down on a skateboard. He had a very full looking backpack on. Felix thought it would have been hard to balance, crouching down with that on his back, but he made it look easy, if ridiculous.

“Jae,” Seungmin called out to the man in greeting. 

Jae lost his balance and stumbled off of his skateboard, coming to a running stop in front of them. 

“Don’t say my name out loud,” he said, whisper-yelling. 

Seungmin rolled his eyes. “Whatever,” he said. “Just give me the goods.”

Jae looked around dramatically and then took a heavy brown bag out of his backpack. Seungmin put it in the basket of his bike. 

“Send me the money on Paypal,” Jae said. He pushed the sunglasses down his nose to look at both of them in the eyes. “Neither of you speak of this.”

As he was riding away on his skateboard, Felix said, “Well, he’s interesting.”

Seungmin smiled. “He’s so cool.”

Felix wasn’t sure he would use that word to describe him. He was funny, though. Seungmin seemed to really like his co-workers at Bed, Bath & Beyond. 

When they got back home, everyone was waiting in the living room, expectantly. Seungmin sat the bag down on the coffee table with a thunk and Hyunjin, Jisung, Minho, and Jeongin descended on it like vultures. Changbin stood with Felix and Seungmin and watched it unfold. Chan was, unfortunately, still at work. 

“Wow, you went all out,” Jisung said, holding up a bottle of vodka and a bottle of rum. The other boys pulled out the rest of the contents: a box of cheap red wine, a six pack of beer and another six pack of Smirnoff Ice. 

“Best money can buy,” Seungmin said and they all laughed at that. 

“Let’s get hammered,” Hyunjin said, pouring some of the boxed wine into one of their miss-matched mugs that had already been taken down and assembled on the table. 

“I really doubt we will with boxed wine,” Jeongin said, but held out a mug for Hyunjin to fill. 

Felix walked over to where Jisung was still holding the hard liquor and took the bottle of vodka from him. 

“Bad day?” Jisung asked. It must have shown on his face. 

Felix shrugged. “You could say that.”

Jisung took the vodka back from him. “At least let me make you a mixed drink if you’re going to drink your worries away.”

…

By the time Chan got home the sun had long since gone down and there was a party in full swing. It wasn’t that unusual, but Chan wasn’t used to experiencing these things sober. It was quite a scene that met his eyes when he opened the door.

Some Ariana Grande song blasted from their living room speaker, Minho and Jisung dancing obscenely on each other in the middle of the room. Hyunjin was dancing too, but without a partner. Seungmin and Changbin were standing in the doorway of the kitchen in some kind of heated discussion, bottles in their hands. Felix sat on the floor, his back against the couch, laughing at Hyunjin as his dancing got increasingly more ridiculous. 

“Chan!” Jeongin cried, running from across the room where he had been descending the stairs. He threw his arms around him, wrapping him in a hug, which was rare from Jeongin. He was definitely drunk. 

“Innie, you okay?” Chan asked him, pulling away to look at him. 

Jeongin stepped back and pointed at Chan, smiling. “I think I’m what Hyunjin would call ‘white girl wasted’,” he said. 

Chan laughed. “Let’s get you some water,” he said, leading Jeongin to the kitchen.

He attempted to walk through the doorway but was stopped by Changbin's hand on his arm. “Please tell this idiot that Kendrick Lamar is a better rapper than Drake,” Changbin said, nodding to where Seungmin was leaning against the opposite side of the door frame. 

“Seungmin,” Chan said. “Kendrick Lamar is objectively better.”

Seungmin stuck his bottom lip out. “I just like Drake better.” He walked away and flopped down on the couch. 

“No taste,” Changbin yelled after him. 

Chan retrieved a glass from the big cabinet and poured Jeongin a glass of water from the tap. He placed it into his waiting hands. 

“Drink that whole thing, please,” Chan said, ruffling Jeongin’s hair. 

They both made their way back out to the living room. Jeongin flopped down on the couch, spilling his water a bit. Seungmin put his feet in his lap. Chan grabbed one of the few remaining beers from the table. He wasn’t planning on getting drunk, but one beer would barely affect him. 

He sat down next to Felix, who was now gazing at where Hyunjin was attempting to teach Changbin how to do a body roll. It wasn’t going very well. 

Felix turned to Chan and placed his chin on Chan’s shoulder. He smiled a little bit, but he looked tired. “When did you get home?”

His breath smelled like vodka and his eyes were glassy, but even like this, Chan thought that he was the most beautiful thing he had ever seen. Being drunk had apparently popped Felix’s bubble of personal space.

“Just a few minutes ago,” Chan said.

Felix hummed and closed his eyes, turning his head to face the rest of the room, still resting on Chan’s shoulder. “Glad you’re home,” he said. 

Chan laid his head against Felix. He wondered what was wrong. Usually, drunk Felix was the life of the party, dancing and laughing with the others. Tonight, he seemed sad. It had been a very long time since he had seen Felix really and truly sad. He wrapped an arm around Felix and pulled him closer. Felix nestled easily against him. 

He wondered if maybe it was because Changbin was dancing with Hyunjin. Maybe he had just had a particularly bad day at work. Whatever it was, Chan wanted to fix it. He didn’t want to take advantage of his inebriated state though, so he wouldn’t push him to talk about it tonight. 

Chan settled back against the sofa, pulling Felix with him. Hyunjin was now trying to teach Seungmin and Jeongin to dance. Jeongin was by far the worst, but also the most confident in his bad dancing. Hyunjin laughed at him, but not cruelly. Seungmin cooed at him, pinching his cheeks. 

Minho and Jisung were making out on the loveseat and everyone just ignored them. It had only been around a week since they’d gotten together, but already they were unabashedly adorable and disgusting. Chan had slept on the couch more than half of the nights, turning right around whenever he heard questionable noises coming from the closed door. He didn’t need to be scarred. At least they were only making out now. 

Felix tried to take a sip of his mixed drunk, but ended up spilling up on Chan’s shoulder. He shot up, trying to wipe off the stain with fumbling hands. “Oh my god, I’m so sorry,” Felix said. There were tears welling in his eyes. 

Chan gently took the cup from his hand and set it on the coffee table. “Hey, it’s okay,” Chan said, running a thumb over Felix’s now wet cheek. 

Felix looked up at him. “I’m so dumb,” he said.

Chan shushed him. “You aren’t,” he said. “Don’t say that, Lixie.”

Felix pursed his lips, looking like he was trying to keep from crying even more. 

“Don’t cry,” Chan whispered. He couldn't stand to see him look this broken, even if it was partially the alcohol that was to blame. 

Felix took in a shaky breath and closed his eyes. He dropped his head to Chan’s shoulder. Chan ran his fingers soothingly through his hair. 

When he finally lifted his head up again, his eyes were red, but there weren’t any fresh tears on his cheeks. 

“I think you need to go to bed, yeah?” Chan asked, still stroking the hair on the nape of his neck. 

Felix nodded, his expression turning just a little more fragile. “Yeah.”

Chan stood up and offered him a hand, which he took, wobbling a little bit. They bid everyone good night and Chan followed Felix up the stairs, righting him when he stumbled. 

When they got to Felix and Minho’s room, Felix sat onto the bed with a thump. He tried to take off his shoes, but they were boots that had to be unlaced. Chan knelt in front of him and took them off for him. He looked up and saw Felix pouting at him. He chuckled.

“What’s wrong?” he asked.

“You’re too nice to me,” Felix said. “I’m the worst.”

“No, no,” Chan said, moving to sit next to him on the bed. “You’re one of the best people I’ve ever met.” 

Felix shook his head and the tears looked like they were threatening to fall again. “I just take and take and I’m so selfish.”

“Lix, no,” Chan said, itching to reach out to him again, to make it better. “You’re always doing things for us. You’re so kind and generous.” 

“But when I came here, I made everyone’s life harder,” he said. The tears downstairs were nothing compared to this. He struggled to get out the words through sobs that wracked his whole body. “I made Laurie’s life harder. That’s what she told me. I should have just accepted what I had.” 

Chan reached for Felix then, pulling him into his lap. Felix wrapped his arms around him and buried his face in the side of his neck. “None of that is true,” Chan said. “You were in such a bad situation. It… it hurt so much to see you like that. You needed to get out, and you did. That’s not selfish.” He felt Felix’s soft sobs as he clung tightly onto Chan. “You survived. That’s what we all had to do, Felix. You’re not selfish for valuing your life.”

He wasn’t sure how long it was before Felix really stopped crying again. It had just been surface level before, but this kind of breakdown came from a deep place. Chan just held him through it, whispering that he was okay. When it was all over and Chan’s shoulder was soaked in tears and snot, Felix sagged against him, his exhaustion evident. 

“You should sleep,” Chan whispered. 

Felix nodded. He got off of Chan’s lap and stumbled over to his dresser. Chan began to walk towards the door. 

“Chan,” Felix called in a shaky voice, just before Chan turned to go down the hall. 

He turned around and looked at Felix, who had changed into just a sleep shirt and boxers. Chan swallowed. He looked so fragile and beautiful.

“Can you,” he said, fiddling with the hem of his shirt. “Umm, can you stay?”

Chan swallowed. This was not a good idea for his heart. “Of course,” he said. 

Felix stumbled over to the bed and got under the covers. He made grabby hands at Chan and he felt his heart squeeze painfully. He was reminded, again, that he would do anything for this boy. 

It was then that he realized that he was still standing in the doorway, staring like an idiot at his best friend. He turned off the light and walked over to the bed, crawling in next to Felix, still dressed in the shorts and long sleeved shirt he had come home in. 

Felix instantly cuddled up against his side, resting his head against his chest and throwing an arm and a leg over him. Chan held him close, and ran his lips over his hair in a gesture that was scarily close to a kiss. His heart was beating like crazy in his chest. He was sure that Felix could feel it. 

“Good night, Channie,” Felix mumbled. 

“Good night, Felix,” Chan whispered. He stroked Felix’s back until he was pulled down into sleep.

…

When Felix woke up, he felt groggy and disoriented. His head was pounding and his mouth felt dry. His body felt gross, coated in alcohol sweat. 

He slowly blinked his eyes and was surprised to find the other side of the bed empty. Reaching out, he found that the bed was still warm. He remembered enough of last night to be confused by that. He remembered crying about Laurie and then falling asleep in Chan’s arms.

Rolling over, he buried his face in the sheets, inhaling Chan’s scent. Maybe it was a little weird, but Felix would take what he could get. He let his mind linger on the memory of being held by him. Of falling asleep with his head on his chest. If every night of his life was like that, he would be the happiest man on the planet.

In the morning light, he hoped that his breakdown last night hadn’t freaked Chan out. He never would have been that emotionally unhinged if he had been sober. 

After a few minutes, Felix managed to stumble to the bathroom and brush his teeth, getting out the taste of vodka and cheap wine. After he was done, he made his way downstairs. Chan was in the living room, humming to himself and cleaning up the empty cups and bottles.

Felix paused for a moment to look at him. His hair was still damp from a shower and he wore jeans and a soft t-shirt. All Felix wanted was to come up behind him and wrap his arms around him, burying his face between his shoulder blades. For a moment, he let himself imagine that he could. 

When he pulled himself back to reality, he padded into the living room and began to help Chan. The older boy turned around and smiled at him, a small, delicate thing. 

“Good morning,” Chan said. “How are you feeling?”

“A little hungover,” Felix said. He tossed a bottle into the garbage bag that Chan was holding. “A little embarrassed.”

“Lixie, please don’t be embarrassed,” Chan said. “I’m always happy to be there for you. You know that.”

Felix shrugged. “I was a mess.”

“And that’s okay,” Chan said. They were both still for a moment. Felix felt Chan’s eyes on him, but he couldn’t bear to look up and meet them. “How about I finish cleaning, you go shower, and then we go get coffee. We don’t even have to talk about last night if you don’t want to. It might just be nice to get out of the house.”

Felix looked up and nodded. “Okay.”

After a shower that had him feeling like a new man and a short car ride, Felix and Chan stood in line at Double Shot Coffee. Chan ordered a large coffee with cream and also paid for Felix’s latte with caramel and Irish cream and a few pastries for them to share.

They were all regulars at Double Shot. It had a cozy atmosphere with mismatched chairs and couches, plants, a front wall entirely made up of windows, and shelves full of old books. Felix sometimes stayed here all day, writing stories and poetry, tucked into one of the velvet chairs. They often all came here as a group during the school year too, pushing chairs closer together and working on homework together or just enjoying each others’ company. 

That morning, Chan and Felix tucked themselves into a back corner by the bookshelves on a soft leather couch. Felix curled his legs under him, turning to sit with his back on the arm of the couch. Chan had one leg crossed over his knee and his arm flung over the back of the couch.

“You really don’t have to talk about it,” Chan said, putting his coffee on the side table and grabbing a croissant. “But if you want to, you can. I’m all ears.”

Felix took a sip of his latte. “I don’t really want to,” he said. “I know I should, though.”

Chan was quiet as he waited for Felix to continue. Felix drummed his fingers on his mug, searching for the words he needed to say.

“Laurie kept calling me yesterday and I don’t know, I guess I just went to a really dark place. Logically, I know that I did the right thing, moving out,” Felix said. He bit the inside of his cheek.

“But,” Chan prompted.

“But,” Felix said. “I can’t help but feel like I’m a burden to everyone. I don’t have a driver's license, I barely have enough money to contribute to rent, you guys have to remind me to eat, I have no idea what I want to do with my life.” He leaned his head against the back of the couch and looked down into his coffee. “Everyone else has their own stuff to deal with, and now they have to deal with my stuff too. If I had just accepted my life with Laurie, I wouldn’t be bugging everyone with my problems.”

The quiet settled between them. Felix had said all he needed to say.

“The thing is, Lix,” Chan said. “We all feel like that sometimes. At least, I know I do. But the thing about this family we’ve made is, it’s okay if we stumble and fall sometimes. It’s okay if one of us needs a little extra help. There are seven other people you can go to to help. People who have been through some of the same things. You’ve kept this stuff inside for so long. But you’re allowed to ask for help. Wouldn’t you be fine with the others asking you for help?”

Felix looked up and nodded. Chan reached out and placed a hand on his knee. It grounded him, made what he was saying sink in.

“Even if what you’re going through is too much for one person to handle alone, there’s a whole house of other people who can help shoulder the weight.” Chan squeezed his knee. “We’re a family. Helping each other is what we’re meant to do.”

“You’re right,” Felix said. “I know you are. It just really helped to hear you say it.”

“I’ll always be here to catch you if you fall,” Chan said. The intensity in his eyes made Felix breathless. 

“I hope you know that I’m here to catch you too,” Felix said. Chan’s intensity faltered for just a moment. “I know you just used to go to Younghyun, but you can come to me if you want.” That sounded too close to a confession. He tried to quickly back track. “I just mean that if you ever want to talk about stuff, I’m here.”

Chan smiled softly at him. “Thanks, Felix.”

They finished their coffee and pastries and went back to the house. Chan left to go teach swim lessons, and Felix spent some time under the trees outside. He felt a lot better after talking with Chan, less unhinged. 

He couldn’t stop thinking about the slightly hazy memories from last night of curling up against Chan and Chan’s soft smile and kind eyes this morning as he told Felix he would always be there for him. He wondered if he would still say that if he knew how Felix felt about him, what he imagined doing with him when he was alone in his room. 

He didn’t want to ruin it. He didn’t want to risk it. But something about the way that Chan had held him so tenderly made him hope that maybe, someday, Chan would feel the same way.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to Bailey for beta reading this chapter. I love you!  
> Come talk to me on twitter [here](https://twitter.com/chanlixrights)!


	5. Well, it'd be worth it just to know

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Things begin to get slightly steamy in this chapter. :)
> 
> The chapter title is from "Bad Ideas" by Tessa Violet.

Chan curled on his side, trying to get comfortable on the couch that had been his bed for four nights in a row. It wasn’t that he wasn’t allowed in his room persay, it was more that by sleeping on the couch he was saving himself from being further scarred.

Five days ago, he had walked into his room without knocking because it was his room. That had been a mistake. He had gotten a glimpse of Jisung and Minho naked and in a very compromising position before slamming the door and rubbing his eyes as if that would make the image go away. It hadn’t, and Chan would rather not risk any further embarrassment for any of them. Jisung had muttered an apology to him the next day, but Minho still continued to sleep in their room. 

He understood their rudeness to some degree. He remembered that need at the beginning of a relationship, the electricity that coursed through two people. The overwhelming urge to be with them at all times, in every way. Jisung and Minho had been dancing around each other for so long that it was no surprise that they were so attached to each other now. Chan wasn’t mad about it, he just didn’t particularly want to witness it. Hence, couch. 

“Chan, this is getting ridiculous,” Felix said. He was standing at the base of the stairs with his empty water bottle clutched in his hands. 

“I know,” Chan said. “But what can you do?” He had told Felix about the incident the next day, his cheeks overheating as he had recounted the events. 

“I guess,” Felix said, shrugging. He was still for a moment and then seemed to remember what he had come downstairs for, passing by Chan to go to the kitchen to fill his water bottle. 

He came around the corner again and stood in front of Chan. “You could just sleep in Minho’s bed,” Felix said. “You know, in my room.”

Chan shot up a little too quickly. God, he so wanted that. 

Ever since he had stayed the night with Felix, he had had a harder time pushing his feelings down. Every time he looked at him, he remembered holding his body against him, being allowed to press his face into his hair and soothe him into sleep. The memory caused a pang of pain and longing to run through him. 

He didn’t know if his heart could take sleeping in the same room as Felix, but there was no way he was going to say no to him.

“Won’t Minho be mad?” Chan tried, weakly. 

Felix tapped his foot on the floor. “Does it really matter?” Felix asked. “He’s the reason you don’t have a bed to sleep in.”

“That’s fair,” Chan said. His fingers worried at the hem of the blanket. “Are you sure you’re okay with this?”

Rolling his eyes, Felix walked over to Chan and grabbed his pillow. “Yes, I’m sure,” he said, starting towards the stairs. “Come on, dummy.”

Chan swept up his blanket and followed him. The only light was from the moonlight coming through the window at the top of the stairs. Felix opened the door to his room and placed Chan’s pillow on Minho’s bed.

He had always loved Felix’s room. The walls on his side were covered in photos, video game posters, and pages from books. Plants hung from the ceiling and nestled on the shelves, which were overflowing with books and journals. It just seemed so authentically him, like seeing a little of how his mind worked. Minho’s side of the room didn’t have as much stuff in it, just a couple posters and photos and a tall cat tree for Soonie, Doongie and Dori. The room felt homey in a way that his own room hadn’t in a long time.

Felix settled under the covers of his bed near the window and Chan did the same in Minho’s bed near the door. The room was already dark, but Chan didn’t feel like either of them were close to sleep. He laid on his side, facing toward Felix’s bed and saw that he was already watching him.

The moon was almost full, and its light illuminated the lines and curves of his face. Chan was too tired to look away, to deny himself this right now. 

“I don’t get why you just let them kick you out,” Felix said, his voice softer than it had been downstairs. 

Chan thought about it for a moment. “I think they need this,” he said. “And that room hasn’t felt like mine for a while, anyway.”

“Because of Younghyun?”

“Yeah.”

The room at the end of the hall used to belong to Chan and Younghyun. It had been their place, their little sanctuary that they built together. Towards the end, Chan had started to avoid it, though. In some ways, he knew what was coming and he was ready to accept it. In some ways, though, he had wanted to put off the destruction of all they had built together, even if it was already starting to crumble. 

After they ended it, and sharing a room, or even a house, had become too much for Younghyun and he left to go to a better school, Jisung had moved in from the room he shared with Changbin and Hyunjin. Somewhere in the process of change, the room had lost the sense of home it once held.

“Do you,” Felix said. “I mean, if he came back, would you get back together with him?”

“No,” Chan answered immediately. “It’s not that I want him back. I don’t. It’s good that we broke up. It’s just… a weird feeling. Remembering how we used to be, but not missing it. I miss him, obviously, but not the relationship.”

Felix turned on his back and looked up at the ceiling. “I can’t even imagine how hard that is to process.”

“It’s not so bad,” Chan said. He closed his eyes, finally admitting it out loud: “I think I hadn’t loved him in a long time. So, I had a lot of time to process it.”

He heard Felix shift, but didn’t open his eyes. Thinking about this, and now saying it, made him feel like shit. He knew that he was the asshole, that he had been a bad boyfriend. 

“Why didn’t you just break up with him then?” Felix asked.

Chan wiped at his eyes, trying not to cry. “I had never had a family when I met him. Never had people who stayed in my life. Who wouldn’t go anywhere no matter what. Then I came here, and I got all of you as my family. But Younghyun was the first. I just couldn’t do it. Maybe that makes me a coward, but I couldn’t.”

When he opened his eyes, Felix was looking at him with such concern in his face. “You’re not a coward,” he said. “You just made a mistake. And you understand that, so that’s good.”

Chan didn’t say anything. He turned to look at the ceiling. Even though logically he knew Felix’s words were true, he couldn’t agree with them. In his heart, he knew he was the reason everything broke. 

“You’re beating yourself up over this?” Felix asked. 

“When am I not?” Chan’s voice came out shakier than he wanted it to. “I feel like I can’t trust myself anymore.”

“Hey,” Felix said. “We’ve all been through trauma. Sometimes that makes us do stupid things. But that’s not your fault, and you’re working on fixing it. You’re a good person, Chan.”

Chan turned on his side and met Felix’s gaze again. There was a worried smile on his face that he felt guilty for putting there. He didn’t want Felix to worry about him. At the same time, though, his words brought him some solace. At least for tonight.

“Thank you,” Chan said. 

“Always,” Felix said.

…

After that night, Chan unofficially moved into Felix’s room. He kept his laptop and some clothes in there, but he and Minho hadn’t talked about the room change yet. 

Chan noticed a significant change in his mood. Maybe it was because he was sleeping in a real bed instead of on a couch. He suspected, though, that it was because he was spending more and more time with Felix.

They both tended to stay in their room more than they used to. It seemed like everyone was busier now, taking more time to rest from exhausting days at work than earlier in the summer. That isn’t to say that they didn’t hang out with the others anymore, it was just usually in smaller groups rather than the group as a whole. 

On one particularly sleepy Sunday, Chan lounged in their bedroom, teetering on the edge of sleep. Felix, Minho and Jisung were the only ones who were off from work. Felix had gone into the woods in an attempt to write and Chan really didn’t want to know what Jisung and Minho were up to. The sun was creeping lower in the sky and with it, Chan’s resolve to get anything productive done. 

The sound of the front door opening echoed through the quiet house and Chan forced his eyes open. Felix was back. A warmth spread through him that had nothing to do with the afternoon sunlight. 

Felix’s soft footfalls on the stairs signaled his approach. Chan had long ago memorized the gate that each of the boys had when they came up the stairs. Some were slow and deliberate, like Seungmin. Some were heavy and quick, like Jisung and Hyunjin. Felix’s were the quietest, though, somehow avoiding the creaky steps with a light step. 

“Hey,” Felix said, peeking his head through the doorway before coming in. 

“Hey,” Chan said. “How was your walk?”

Felix put his journal down on his bed. “Enlightening.”

“Oh, really?”

“Yeah.” He didn’t elaborate any more, which Chan found a bit strange. Then, he turned around and smiled, a bright smile just for him, and everything was alright again. “Do you want to help me dye my hair?”

“Doesn’t Hyunjin usually help you with that?” Chan asked. They had bleached Felix’s roots together a few days ago.

“I guess I can just wait until he gets home,” Felix said, his face falling. He sat down on the edge of his bed.

“No,” Chan said, standing up. “It’s not that I don’t want to, I just thought you would rather do it with him.”

“So you don’t mind?” Felix was looking at him with those big, doe eyes. He wouldn’t have been able to deny him anything. 

“Of course I don’t mind,” Chan said. “Let’s do it.”

That bright smile lit up Felix’s face again. “Great,” he said. He grabbed Chan’s hand and dragged him out the door and into the bathroom.

Chan felt breathless, and it wasn’t from running down the hall. Felix’s hand was warm in his and he realized that this is the first time they had touched since the morning after the night he had held him. Even this innocent action made Chan’s heart race. What was wrong with him?

Felix closed the door behind them and knelt down to rummage in the cabinets under the sick. The bathroom was the only one upstairs, so it was shared by all eight boys. That is to say, it was pretty gross. Chan tried to keep it as clean as he could, but there were several pairs of underwear on the floor and the cabinets looked like a bomb had gone off in them. 

“Found it!” Felix said, standing up. He held a plastic container that contained all of his hair dying materials. 

“How do I do this?” Chan asked.

Felix put the box down on the counter and, facing away from Chan, took his shirt off. Chan gulped and he hoped it wasn’t too audible. His skin had gotten darker in the summer sun and the freckles ran over his shoulders and down his spine.

Chan knew that this was going to be the death of him. 

Of course he had seen Felix shirtless countless times before, but this felt different. They were in the bathroom together, alone, about to do something that would involve them being very close to each other. 

Felix opened the box and emptied some of the pink dye into the bowl. He used a brush to stir it. Chan came up and leaned back on the sink, watching. 

“Put on those,” Felix said, nodding to the box of latex gloves. “And work this into my hair.” He held up the bowl to him. 

“I think I can do that,” Chan said, taking the bowl. 

Felix walked over to the tub and sat down in it, his back facing Chan. Chan just stood there, staring, because the most beautiful boy in the world was in front of him and honestly, what else was he supposed to do? Felix looked over his bare shoulder at him. “Come over here,” he said. Chan felt his face grow hot. He only hoped his blush wasn’t too obvious. 

Chan fumbled with getting the gloves on, walked over to him and sat on the edge of the tub. Felix moved so he was in between Chan’s legs. Yep, this was it. He was going to die. 

The dye felt cold through the gloves as he dipped a shaky hand in. He worked it between his fingers and then began spreading it through Felix’s hair. He had had his own hair dyed before, so he knew the basic process. He took care to make sure that each strand was covered.

Felix began to lean back into his touch and Chan could see that his eyes were closed, a small smile on his lips. He tried to memorize the scene before him, every insignificant detail, because this might be the best thing that’s ever happened to him. If his touch in his hair lingered too long or he let the back of his hand caress his face, well, it was all part of the process. 

In his distracted state, Chan accidentally dropped a glob of dye on Felix’s cheek. “Oh no, shit,” Chan said, as Felix tried to squish his face to see it. 

Chan tried to wipe it off, but he only ended up smearing more on Felix’s face. “Chan,” Felix cried, laughing. 

“I”m so sorry,” Chan whined, standing up. He peeled off his gloves and grabbed a piece of toilet paper. He had been done anyway, he had just been making sure the dye was even. 

Felix had taken Chan’s spot on the edge of the tub, facing him. Chan knelt in front of him. He took his chin in one hand and attempted to wipe off the pink dye. “Hold still,” Chan said when Felix laughed. 

“It’s fine, I’ll just have permanent blush now,” he said. Chan smiled and shook his head.

They were so close, Chan realized. He could smell the coffee on Felix’s breath, count every freckle on his cheeks. His eyes met Felix’s and he held the gaze. Then, Felix flicked his eyes downward and back up. 

Did he just look at Chan’s lips? The room suddenly felt too hot. He must have been imagining it. But he definitely wasn’t imagining Felix biting lightly on his bottom lip, Chan’s own gaze cast downward to track the movement. There was something in Chan’s eyes that made him think, hope, that it was intentional. 

Just to test it, Chan moved his head just a little closer. Felix did the same. Was this really happening?

The heat in his eyes was burning Chan from the inside out, and then Felix’s lips were on his. For a moment, he froze, his brain unable to process what had just happened. Then, his brian stopped working at all.

He moved his lips against Felix, their mouths fitting together so perfectly. Felix tangled his fingers in Chan’s hair and Chan let out an involuntary groan. He would have been embarrassed if he could think at all. 

Their hot breath mixed together as the kisses turned messier, more desperate. Chan pulled Felix down by his waist so he was straddling him. He ran his hands along his sides and back, mapping their way across his soft skin. Felix ran his tongue along Chan’s bottom lip. Chan pulled him flush against him and Felix whimpered into his mouth. The sound was better than any song in history. Everything about Felix like this was intoxicating. 

Then, a knock sounded at the door. They sprang apart, breathing hard. “Open up, I gotta pee,” Jisung called. 

Chan blinked like an idiot for a moment, staring at Felix. His eyes were hazy, his lips red and puffy. Chan began thinking again. He ran out the door, past a confused Jisung, down the stairs and out the door.

What had he done?

…

After he washed out the dye and dried his hair, Felix stared out the window in his room until the sun went down. He hoped against all logic that Chan would come back to their room and kiss him again like he hadn’t run away. Like Felix was someone he actually wanted. 

What had he been thinking? How could he have been so stupid? 

“Felix?” 

Felix sat up quickly and looked over at the door. He sighed when he saw that it was only Jisung. “What’s up?” he asked, trying to put on a convincing smile. 

Jisung stood in the doorway, picking at his hem and not looking at Felix. “I didn’t know if I should even ask, but are you okay?” Jisung looked up at him. “Did something happen with Chan?”

Felix drew in a sharp breath. “I, umm, I don’t think I should talk about it.”

“Did he do something to you?” Jisung’s expression grew angry. 

“No,” Felix said quickly, shaking his head. He sighed. “Shut the door.” He motioned for Jisung to come sit on his bed. 

“Are you okay?” Jisung asked when he was sitting on the bed with his legs crossed. 

Felix shrugged. “I don’t know,” he said. “We kissed. Well, I kissed him and he kissed me back. And then he ran. So, I guess I’m not really okay.”

“Oh, Lix,” Jisung said, reaching out and hugging him. 

He hadn’t meant to kiss Chan. Sure, he had flirted with him, but he wouldn’t have kissed Chan if he hadn’t made it clear that that’s what he wanted. 

That afternoon, he had written a lot about his feelings for Chan. He had just needed to get them out. He had kept them inside for so long, and after he and Chan cuddled and Chan started sleeping in his room, he felt like his emotions were eating him for the inside out. He decided that he needed to know, or at least try to discern whether Chan felt anything for him. 

He had his answer now. Sort of. He at least knew that it wasn’t nothing, but he had scared Chan away, maybe forever. 

“So, you like Chan,” Jisung said, still hugging Felix. 

Felix pulled away and looked down at his hands. “I have for years,” he said. 

“I figured.”

“Are you fucking kidding me? You too?”

Jisung laughed. “I mean, it’s pretty obvious,” he said, trying to stifle his laugh. “You’re basically with him like, all the time. And what do you mean ‘you too’?”

Felix groaned and fell back against the bed. “I really thought I was being subtle,” he said. “Hyunjin also figured it out. But whatever, it doesn’t even matter anymore because Chan ran away because I scared him or I’m a bad kisser or I don’t even know.”

“Lix, remember when Minho and I kissed for the first time and I freaked out?”Jisung asked. Felix nodded. “Well, I think this is kind of like that.”

Felix rolled his eyes. “Yeah, except Minho actually likes you.”

Jisung groaned. “You’re so dumb, I swear,” he said. “Obviously Chan likes you. He looks at you like you hung the fucking stars.”

“If that’s true, why did he run?”

“I don’t know,” Jisung said. “Maybe he was scared? Whatever the reason is, you need to talk to him.”

Felix glared at him. “I know you’re right, but it’s annoying.” 

Jisung raised his hands in surrender. “Hey, I’m just telling you what you guys told me about Minho. Look where it got me!”

“We all know exactly where it got you,” Felix grumbled. 

“I’m having amazing sex with my boyfriend, sometimes multiple times a day-”

“Oh my god, shut up!” Felix yelled. 

“And you are stuck in your room pining. Just talk to him, Felix. For your own sake.” Jisung laughed at Felix’s red face and walked out of the room. 

As much as he hated to admit it, Jisung was right. Chan was his best friend, and even if he didn’t really like Felix that way and it was just a heat of the moment decision, he needed to fix it. He couldn’t risk losing him. Through everything, Chan had been there for him. 

Felix stayed awake, listening closely for the door after everyone else had gone to sleep. Chan had to come back some time. He suspected that Chan would try to avoid this for as long as possible, but Felix wasn’t going to let that happen. They needed to work this out and get back to normal. Felix couldn’t handle Chan being mad at him, or uncomfortable around him. 

At around 3 in the morning, as Felix began to lose his resolve, he heard the front door open. He shot up, now wide awake. He made his way down the stairs and saw that the light was on in the kitchen. He walked in to see Chan sitting on the floor.

“We need to talk,” Felix said.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you liked this chapter, let me know what you think!
> 
> Thanks to Bailey for beta reading this chapter. <3  
> Come talk to me on twitter [here](https://twitter.com/chanlixrights)!


	6. All I know is you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is where I begin to earn the E rating. Hope you like it!
> 
> The title is from the song "All I Know" by Noah Kittinger. Would any of you be interested in the playlist I made on Spotify for this fic? Let me know in comments or on twitter!

The panic in Chan’s chest was about to hit a breaking point. 

“We need to talk,” Felix said. He stood in the doorway of the kitchen, leaving Chan with no escape route. 

He had spent the evening wandering through the woods, trying to figure out what to do about the kiss. Felix had kissed him, but was it just because of the situation they were in? Did he do it because he just wanted to kiss someone? Or did he specifically want to kiss Chan? What was he going to do if the latter was true? He couldn’t find the answers to those questions out there by himself, and eventually exhaustion had worn him down and made him come home. 

Chan nodded at him. “Yeah,” he agreed, as much as he didn’t want to. As much as he wanted to run again. He couldn’t meet his eyes.

Felix walked into the kitchen and leaned against the counter across from Chan. “Look, I get if you’re embarrassed, or regret it, or whatever, but we have to talk about it.”

His voice wavered as he spoke and Chan looked up at him, but this time it was Felix who couldn’t meet his eyes. 

“I made a stupid mistake and I don’t want to ruin our friendship over it,” Felix said. He squeezed his eyes shut. “You obviously don’t like me like that, and it’s okay.”

A wave of shock rolled through Chan. It sounded… it sounded like Felix did like him that way. Chan stayed quiet. He needed to hear everything that Felix had to say in that moment.

“I just assumed that you felt… That you liked me,” Felix said. “But my feelings shouldn’t get in the way. I know you’re still sad about Younghyun and you probably wouldn’t like me even if you weren’t, and I shouldn’t have kissed you. I wish I could take it back.”

“Your feelings?” Chan asked. His voice was so quiet.

A tear slipped down Felix’s cheek. “Yeah, Chan,” he said. “I like you. But I’ll try to get over it.”

He felt his heart stutter in his chest. The yearning and desire he had been pushing down for months, years, reared up inside of him at those words. It wasn’t just him. Felix felt it too, that magnetic pull between them. He wanted to scream it from the rooftops, he wanted to cry tears of joy. This was something he could have, and for a moment, the voices in his head that usually reminded him that he really shouldn’t have this, that he shouldn’t give in, were quiet. 

Chan stood up. He reached out and rested his hand on Felix’s cheek, wiping the tear away with his thumb. “Please don’t.”

“Don’t, what?” Felix was still looking away from him. 

Chan turned Felix’s head so that he was forced to look at him. “Don’t get over it.”

He waited for realization to dawn in Felix’s eyes. When it did, it was quickly followed by doubt. Felix’s brows creased. “Chan,” he started to say. 

Chan cut him off with a soft kiss against his lips. It was sweet but insistent, leaving no room for doubt. He pulled away, Felix’s eyes now focused on him. 

“I’m sorry, Felix,” he whispered. “I was just scared. I’m still scared.”

Both of his hands now framed Felix’s face as more tears ran down his cheeks. Chan kissed them away, the salt seeping through his lips. Felix curled his fists into the front of Chan’s shirt, as if he was scared that he would run again. There was no way Chan would do that now, not just because he knew now that his feelings were requited, but because Felix looked like he was about to break and Chan would never ever run away if he knew that Felix needed him. 

“Please don’t cry,” Chan said, resting his forehead against Felix’s. 

Felix nodded. They stood there like that for a while. Felix’s grip became looser, his tears drying on his cheeks. Chan ran a soothing hand through the newly pink hair at the nape of his neck. They were so close now that their lips were nearly brushing together. “Can we go upstairs?” Felix asked. 

Chan dropped his hands from his face and laced one of them in Felix’s. He nodded and led them through the living room and up the stairs. They sat on Felix’s bed, facing each other, still holding hands. 

…

“Lix,” Chan said, after a moment of quiet. “I really like you.”

Felix could sense a “but” coming, but they had already said more than he had ever thought possible. He could handle it. 

“But I don’t know what to do about it.” Chan’s voice was quiet.

Felix didn’t want to do something to scare him off again, but he squeezed his hand and moved closer to him, their knees now pressing together. “What do you mean?”

Chan ran his thumb over the back of Felix’s hand. “I don’t want to lose you,” he said. “I don’t want to mess everything up again.” 

Felix felt like crying again because of the look of pain that crossed Chan’s face. How long had he felt like this? He untangled his hand and crawled in Chan’s lap, his knees resting on the bed on either side of Chan. He took his turn cradling Chan’s face in his hands.

“You’re not going to lose me,” Felix whispered. “No matter what happens. I promise.”

Something broke in Chan’s expression, the resolve he had cracking. He leaned up, capturing Felix’s lips in his and Felix melted. 

“Is this okay?” Chan asked, breaking away too quickly. Felix leaned towards him, chasing his lips.

“Yeah,” he whispered, looking at Chan through his lashes.

Their kiss in the bathroom had been messy, desperate, both of them taking what they could because they didn’t know if they would ever get it again. This kiss was slow and deliberate, but with a smoldering heat that made Felix’s toes curl. The desire they had laid bare for each other had left no room for doubt. 

Chan rested his hands on Felix’s waist, stroking the soft skin of his stomach through his t-shirt. Felix looped his arms around his neck, pulling them closer. Felix had kissed boys before in back rooms at parties and on dares, but never anything like this. 

Chan’s tongue parted his lips and ran over Felix’s. Tightening his grip involuntarily, Felix let out a small noise that was immediately swallowed by Chan. 

Felix got bolder, running his hands down Chan’s chest and down to the hem of his shirt. He slid one hand under and pressed a hand to the small of his back. 

“Felix,” Chan said warningly. But, his own crumbling resolve was evident as he pressed open mouthed kisses along Felix’s jaw and down his neck.

“I want you,” Felix said, his voice breathy.

Chan paused, resting his head in the crook of Felix’s neck. “We don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do,” Chan said.

“I know,” Felix whispered. “But I want this.”

Felix felt rather than heard Chan’s breath hitch. “Okay, baby,” he whispered against his ear. 

He took off Felix’s shirt, followed by his own, and pushed Felix back against the mattress. Felix let out a small noise of surprise. Chan hovered over him, his hands on either side of Felix’s head. “You’re so beautiful,” he whispered.

His face was burning up under Chan’s praise. “That’s my line,” he said, his voice small. Chan smiled at him, a soft, delicate thing. 

“How is this real?” Chan asked, as if he was just talking to himself. He ran his thumb over Felix’s lower lip.

“I don’t know, but I don’t want it to stop,” Felix said. He twined his fingers in Chan’s hair, pulling him down against his mouth. Chan groaned and Felix smiled into the kiss. 

He had imagined making out with Chan more times than he could count, but nothing compared to the real feeling of his warm skin pressed against his, of their messy kisses causing heat to coil in his stomach. Nothing would ever come close to the beauty of Chan slowly falling apart because of him. 

It was all becoming too much and Felix felt his control slowly slipping away. Chan pulled his bottom lip into his mouth before dipping back into the kiss and Felix involuntarily bucked his hips, letting out a low moan. 

“Shit, Felix,” Chan said, his voice husky. He rolled his hips against Felix’s and moved down to his neck, biting down lightly and sucking a bruise. He cried out again, his blunt nails digging into Chan’s back. 

On the next press down of Chan’s hips, he rolled his hips up to meet them. He traced his lips down Felix’s body, taking one of Felix’s nipples in his mouth as he continued to rock into him at a steady pace. Felix arched his back up into him, desperate for more. Chan’s lips met his again and he moved his hands down to Felix’s ass, guiding him through the thrusts at an excruciatingly slow pace. Every brush of their clothed lengths together made the tension in his stomach coil more, but it wasn’t enough. Felix let out a low whine.

“Chan,” he moaned.

“What do you need?” Chan asked. He nuzzled against Felix’s ear and tugged down on his earlobe with his teeth, making him entirely forget what he was trying to say. “Baby, tell me what you need.”

Felix’s grip on his back tightened, the nickname being used again making him even harder than he already was. “I don’t know,” he murmured. “I just need you.” He leaned forward to hide his face against Chan’s shoulder, his cheeks burning. “You don’t know how long I’ve needed this.”

“Fuck,” Chan choked out. He laced his fingers between Felix’s, pining his hand next to his head. He looked at Felix with an intensity that made him weak. Then, he dropped back down to his lips with a bruising kiss. It was slick and wet, their tongues swirling against each other.

He pulled away abruptly and looked down at Felix. “Do you think about me when you touch yourself?”

Felix bit his already kiss-swollen bottom lip. “Yes,” he said quietly. “Every time.” He wanted to crawl into a ball, this conversation too much even for what they were currently doing.

Chan let out a groan at that, removing one hand from Felix’s. He slid his thumb just under the waistband of his shorts and boxers, tracing shapes on the skin there. “What do you think about?”

Felix covered his face with his freed hand, too embarrassed to keep looking at the boy above him. 

“Lix, look at me,” Chan said. He peaked out from between his fingers. “I think about you, too.”

His eyes widened and he moved his hand away from his face to rest against the mattress. “You do?”

Chan nodded as his hand finally made its way under Felix’s boxers, running a finger along his length. Felix whimpered. “I come thinking about making you moan and scream my name,” Chan said. He pushed Felix’s shorts and boxers down. “I think about your perfect lips around my cock.” He ran his thumb over the precum beading at his slit. Felix arched his back again, an involuntary high pitched moan bursting out of his lips. “I think about fucking you until you’re shaking. Until you can’t think about anything but me.”

The amount of times that Felix had thought about that same thing was uncountable. “Please,” he said through a shuddering breath. 

Chan removed his hand from Felix’s cock and he whined. “Not tonight, baby,” Chan said, licking the precum off of this thumb. “Not yet. But I’m still gonna make you scream.” Felix thought he was going to cum with those words alone. Chan pulled down his own shorts, then spit on his hand. 

Felix looked down as Chan began pumping both of them. Chan was quite a bit bigger than him and the sight made him whimper. He thrust up into Chan's hand, causing both of them to groan. He threw his head back, getting lost in the pleasure. He couldn’t control the noises leaving his mouth anymore as he got closer and closer to the edge. 

With a hand on the small of his back, Chan moved Felix so that he was sitting in his lap again. The change in the angle of the strokes made the pleasure even more acute. Felix wrapped his arms around Chan’s shoulders and pressed his forehead against his.

Chan sealed their lips together again. The strokes came faster and Felix raked his nails across his shoulders and down his back. Chan slid his lips down to Felix’s neck again, leaving more bruises. It was nearly painful but it felt so good. 

“You sound even better than I imagined,” Chan said, his voice shaking. He sounded just as gone as Felix felt. 

Chan sped up his pace, squeezing lightly at their heads. His stomach muscles tightened and all he wanted was more, to get to that sweet release. 

“I’m close,” Felix whined. 

“Come for me, baby. Let me hear you.” Chan bit down on his pulse point, and Felix was gone. 

He cried out Chan’s name as the high pulsed through his body, painting white strips on his stomach. Chan worked him through it, and Felix slumped against him. Chan finished shortly after with a choked off groan.

They both sat there, panting, entirely spent. Felix felt like all of the energy had left his body, his limbs felt like lead. All that was running through his head was pure bliss and Chan, Chan, Chan. 

Chan rested the side of his head against Felix’s and pressed a kiss in his hair. “That was the hottest thing I’ve ever seen,” he murmured. 

Felix hummed. “You’re the hottest thing I’ve ever seen.”

Chan snorted. “Cheesy.” He helped Felix lay back and kissed his forehead. “I’ll be right back.” Slipping on some shorts, he walked out of the room and returned with a damp washcloth. He cleaned both of them before chucking it on the floor. 

“Come here,” he said, pulling back the covers. 

Felix laid on his side, nestling into Chan’s chest. He wrapped an arm around him and breathed him in. The sun would be coming up soon, but for now he let himself fall into the welcoming arms of sleep. 

Just before he drifted off completely, he said: “Please be here when I wake up.” He was asleep before he could hear Chan’s answer.

…

Chan didn’t sleep that night, his mind too full to drift off. Felix had fallen asleep quickly after they had finished. The room was quiet except for Felix’s breathing as he slept in Chan’s arms. 

As the sun came up, his fears began to catch up to him again. He didn’t regret what had happened and it scared him. After Younghyun, it had been very clear that his priorities needed to be on himself and the other boys. If they weren’t, it could destroy everything he had worked to build. He knew that. He had spent every day since Younghyun had left reminding himself of that when he looked at Felix.

But he couldn’t regret last night. The hungry kisses they had shared, the look on Felix’s face as he had come with Chan’s name on his lips. It was the most beautiful thing he had ever seen, and he couldn’t bring himself to condemn himself for it. 

The warmth that had spread through his body when Felix had cuddled against him had nothing to do with sex, though, and he knew that he was fucked. But really, he had always been fucked. He just hadn’t realized the extent of it until now. Maybe there was a way he could have both: a compromise that would let him stay by Felix’s side and not put another crack in the foundation of their family. 

It was still too early in the morning when Felix woke up. His eyelids barely opened, but he looked up at Chan and smiled softly. “You stayed,” he whispered.

In the early morning light, Felix’s skin glowed, his pink hair creating a messy halo around his head. He looked ethereal. “I’m not going anywhere,” Chan said. “Go back to sleep, baby.”

Felix leaned in and kissed Chan softly. It was a sweet, chaste kiss and it made Chan’s chest warm with fondness. “I love when you call me baby,” said Felix.

“I’ll call you baby as much as you want,” Chan said, peppering his face with kisses. Felix giggled and squirmed, trying to get away, but Chan held him tight. 

“Chan,” Felix whined.

“Baby,” said Chan, nuzzling against his neck, stopping his attack.

Felix held his shirt loosely and they laid against each other in comfortable silence as the sun came all the way up. “How long have you felt like this?” Felix asked him. 

“Honestly, I don’t remember ever not feeling like this,” Chan said. “It’s always been there. Just lately, it’s gotten harder to ignore.”

“I remember the exact moment,” Felix said. “You were sitting under a tree in the sunlight and I just remember thinking, ‘it’s him. It’s always going to be him’.”

“And it was?”

“It always was.”

The noises of some of the boys beginning to stir reached through the door and into their little bubble where just the two of them existed.

“What happens now?” asked Felix, his voice barely audible. 

Chan tightened his grip around Felix. “I don’t know,” he said. “I was thinking that maybe we could just keep this between us for now.”

Felix pulled back to look at him. “But we can keep doing this?”

“I don’t think I could make myself stop at this point,” Chan said. 

“Good,” Felix said, smiling.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to Bailey for beta reading this chapter, ily.  
> Come talk to me on twitter [here](https://twitter.com/chanlixrights)!


	7. I fall to pieces when I'm with you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow, it's been like a million years, huh? Sorry about that! I've been a little busy and depressed, so this chapter was kind of a struggle. I'm sorry if it's not as good as the others! 
> 
> The chapter title is from "Cherry" by Lana Del Rey. And alternate title I toyed around with was "watermelon sugar high" which, like, you'll see why.
> 
> As always, thanks for reading, your comments and encouragements mean the world to me!

Chan had to go to work early that morning, he would have a full day teaching swim lessons. Felix really didn’t want him to go and held him tight for as long as he could. They cuddled and shared lazy morning kisses until it was time for Chan to leave. Felix held onto his hand when he got out of bed, trying to pull him back. 

His shorts were slung low on his hips, showing all of his toned stomach. His hair was a mess and his eyes were hazy and tired, but he looked at Felix adoringly. “I have to go to work, baby,” he said, pressing kisses to his knuckles before letting his hand go.

“Or you could, you know, not?” Felix raised an eyebrow. He stood up, fully naked, and ran a hand up Chan’s stomach to his neck and pulled him in for a kiss, filthy and deep. 

Chan groaned and pushed Felix away with a hand on his chest. “Nope, don’t start this,” Chan said. He bit his bottom lip. “I’m going to be tempted and then I’m going to get fired.”

Felix shrugged. “Doesn’t sound too bad. You would be around more.”

Laughing, Chan pulled him in for another quick kiss. “I’ll be home this evening, and then we’ll have all the time in the world.”

Felix felt a wave of heart run through him. “Okay,” he said softly.

Chan finally left after getting dressed and stealing a few more kisses. Felix almost wanted to follow him to his swim lessons to admire his back muscles (that may have been one of the reasons he had attended every single one of Chan’s swim meets when they were in high school), but he restrained himself. He had work too, unfortunately. 

When he looked in the mirror at himself after he finally got dressed and made his way to the bathroom, he saw that he had a problem. He was covered in bruises, with a few really prominent ones on his neck that definitely couldn’t be covered by his shirt collar. Felix swore under his breath, running his fingertips over them lightly. Honestly, he thought they were hot. Looking at them made their activities last night come back to him in a visceral way. If Chan wanted whatever it was between then to remain secret though, Felix would have to cover them. 

He knocked tentatively on Hyunjin and Changbin’s door. “Come in,” one of them said, the voice muffled through the door.

Felix opened the door and saw both of them still laying in their beds, scrolling on their phones. Hyunjin looked over at him and immediately sat up. “Holy fuck,” he said.

“What?” Changbin asked. Then, he looked more closely at Felix. “Oh my god, who did you fuck?”

“I didn’t fuck anyone,” Felix said, rubbing at his neck self consciously. 

“Yeah, tell that to all your murdered blood vessels,” Hyunjin said. 

“Wait, was that you we heard last night?” Changbin asked. “I figured it was Jisung and Minho.”

Felix felt his face flush and he tried his best not to physically cringe. “I don’t know what you’re talking about,” he said, shrugging. “And there’s only like three hickeys.”

Hyunjin came over to him and tilted his head to get a better look at the hickeys. “Yeah, it was definitely him,” he said, as if he could divine some meaning from the marks. 

“Did you finally break down and jump Chan’s bones?” Changbin asked. He was smiling like he was kidding, but when Felix looked over at him with pursed lips and a face reddening by the second, his smile dropped. “Oh my god, you did.”

Felix covered his face with his hands. “If you say the phrase ‘jump his bones’ again, you are officially not my friend anymore.”

“Holy shit, you really did fuck Chan, didn’t you?” Hyunjin asked, laughing. 

“Shut up, we didn’t have sex,” Felix said, lowering his hands. “We just…” He gestured vaguely to his neck, really not wanting to get into specifics. “And he doesn’t want anyone to know, so can you please cover them, Hyunjin?”

Hyunjin got his box of makeup from the dresser and sat back down on his bed. “If he doesn’t want anyone to know, he shouldn’t have gone full Edward Cullen on your neck,” he grumbled. 

“They’re not that bad,” Felix said, sitting on the bed in front of Hyunjin. 

That didn’t even warrant a comment from Hyunjin apparently, he just leveled a skeptical gaze at him. 

“I’ll do this for you once, but you’ll need to buy your own stuff today, because I suspect this is going to be a pattern,” he said. “You can use my employee discount.” Hyunjin tilted his head up and got to work. “You use a color corrector and then concealer on top of it and blend it,” he said. “It’s not perfect, but it’s the closest you’re gonna get.”

Felix trained his eyes on the ceiling. He really wanted this to become a pattern, just maybe with less noticeable hickeys. 

After Hyunjin was done, Felix looked at himself in a small hand mirror that he handed to him. He turned his head back and forth, marvelling at the professional cover-up job Hyunjin had done. 

“How are you so good at this?” Felix asked. 

Hyunjin smiled, mischievously. “The fact that you have to ask that means I did a good job,” he said, shrugging. “I slept with a lot of guys in high school who were ‘straight’, so I had to get good at hiding the evidence.”

“I had no idea,” Felix said. He watched Hyunjin’s face as something like a shadow fell over his features. Then, just as quickly, it was gone.

Hyunjin shrugged. “It doesn’t really matter now,” he said. “But, I do know how shitty keeping secrets like this is.”

Felix smiled a little bit, closing his eyes as Hyunjin worked. “I don’t mind. I have him. That’s all I need.”

“Gross,” Changbin said. “I’m gonna get breakfast.” He left the room, closing the door behind him.

After a few more minutes, Hyunjin sat back and inspected his neck. “Should be all good,” he said. “You really should be more careful if you’re planning on keeping it a secret, though. And you really should keep it down. I’m pretty sure everyone in the house heard it.”

“Oh my god, please shut up,” Felix said, running out of the room. He heard Hyunjin cackling as the door closed behind him. 

…

There didn’t seem to be anything in the world that could bring down Chan’s spirit that day. Not when his coworkers were passive aggressive, or when one of the mothers tried to hit on him, and not even when a kid nearly kicked him in the face. All he could think about was last night and that when he got home, Felix would be there. 

By the time six p.m. rolled around, Chan was about to burst with anticipation. He almost ran over Yeji, one of his coworkers that he actually liked, on the way out the door of the pool office. 

“Slow down, Chan,” she said, laughing. “You’re gonna hurt someone.”

He turned back to her and smiled. “I’ve got a date.”

As soon as Chan got into his car, however, his one-track mind was derailed slightly by an incoming call from Jisung. 

“What?” he said in greeting. 

“Wow, someone woke up on the wrong side of the bed today,” Minho’s voice said. Of course it was Minho.

“That is absolutely false,” Chan said. “You two are just annoying.”

“That’s so rude. We’re trying to do something nice!”

“What did you do?”

“We bought sorry-for-ignoring-every-one-because-we’re-in-our-honeymoon-phase watermelons,” Minho said. “But they're way too big to fit on our bikes.”

Chan let out an exasperated sigh. “You guys are so stupid,” he said. “I’ll be there in five minutes.”

When he pulled up in front of the grocery store, Jisung was pretending that one of the gigantic watermelons was a pregnant belly and Minho was laughing like it was the most original, funny joke in the world. It was actually kind of cute, but that was probably Chan’s love-addled brain talking. 

Minho and Jisung put the watermelons in the back seat and their bikes in the trunk. They both moved to sit in the back seat, but Chan stopped them.

“Absolutely not, I am not being your chauffeur.” He could practically feel them roll their eyes.

“Fine,” Jisung said, and hopped into the front seat. 

“Thank you for rescuing us, Channie,” Minho said in a sing-song voice.

“It’s fine, I was on my way back from work anyway,” Chan said. “But why watermelons specifically?”

“Because it’s summer,” Jisung said, as if it was the most obvious thing in the world. 

“Of course,” Chan said, sarcastically. 

“Okay, what about sorry-for-having-sex-all-the-time watermelons,” Jisung said, turning around in his seat to look at Minho. 

“At least the title’s shorter,” he said. 

When they got home, Chan held the front door open for them. Everyone was assembled in the living room already, except for Felix. Chan felt his smile falter for just a second, and then got a grip on his emotions again. He shouldn’t care this much about seeing Felix, even though it had been the only thing on his mind all day.

“We brought you guys watermelons to say sorry for ignoring you because we were fucking,” Jisung called as they brought them into the kitchen. 

“That was not the title we agreed on,” Minho said.

“Oh my god, I love watermelon,” Seungmin said, walking into the kitchen, followed by the others. “I don’t even care if you bought them for fucked up reasons.”

“They’re apology watermelons,” Minho said, but his statement was slightly undercut by the knife he pointed at Seungmin. 

Seungmin held his hands up. “Fine,” he said, his voice wavering in what sounded like fear. 

Chan leaned against the doorframe, watching as Minho cut the watermelon into slices. “You better take that outside, I am not cleaning that off the floor.” He had to hold himself back from asking where Felix was. 

Jisung got a couple big bowls out of the cupboard and started putting the slices in them. He pushed one over to Jeongin and they all headed out to the trampoline. Chan was just about to follow them when he was stopped by arms wrapping around his waist.

“You’re home,” Felix said, his soft low enough only for Chan to hear. Chan’s heart seemed to flip in his chest.

Chan turned around and had to hold himself back from kissing him. He settled for carding his fingers through Felix’s soft pink locks. “Hi,” Chan breathed.

Felix smiled, his eyes crinkling at the edges. “Hi.”

He looked ethereal, the late afternoon light haloing him. Chan thought for sure this was all in his imagination. There was no way that this perfect boy in front of him was real. The rest of the world melted away and it was only the two of them, looking at each other like they had just seen each other for the first time. 

“You guys, watermelon!” Jeongin yelled from the backyard, thoroughly breaking the spell. 

Felix jumped a little, but his eyes shone with humor. “Let’s get watermelon.” Felix pulled him through the kitchen and out the backdoor. Once they were through the door, Chan dropped his hand, but he mourned the loss of the feeling of Felix’s skin against his. 

The boys were all sitting in a circle on the trampoline with the bowl of watermelon in the middle. Felix squeezed in between Hyunjin and Changbin and Chan felt a pang of jealousy run through him. He imagined a world in which he could have sat with all of his friends with Felix in his lap. A world where he didn’t feel the responsibility to be the one who had everything together, who didn’t want to fall apart for the boy he should have been taking care of.

Instead, he sat between Jeongin and Jisung and tried to keep his eyes off of Felix. It was hard, though. Eating watermelon was messy, and the juice was dripping down Felix’s face and covering his hands. The other boys laughed at the messes they had made. Minho and Seungmin were flicking the juice at each other. Jeongin was trying to leave an imprint of his sticky hand on Changbin’s shirt. 

Chan could only stare at Felix as he licked the juice from his hand, his tongue trailing over his palm and up his fingers. He felt the juice from his own slice dripping down his forearms, but he was transfixed, he couldn’t look away. Then, Felix looked up and met his eyes.

His expression was confused at first, but then understanding passed over his face and his lips turned up into a smirk. Chan was utterly and royally screwed.

“Do you guys want the other one, too?” Minho asked. At the voices of assent, he began to get up to head inside.

“I can do it,” Chan said. He needed some space or he was going to end up leaping across the circle and making out with Felix right then, right there, in front of everyone. 

He quickly got up, leaving behind the sounds of chatter as he went back inside. Bracing his arms against the counter, he let out a long breath and tried to push out all of the thoughts of Felix that were currently giving him a hard on. He needed to get it together and get through the evening with his friends.

As he began slicing into the watermelon, the backdoor opened. He looked up to see Felix, still wearing that smirk. “Going so soon?” He jumped on the countertop next to where Chan was staring intently at the bisected watermelon. 

“You’re going to kill me, Lix,” he said. He didn’t look over at him. If he did, he wasn’t sure if he would be able to hold himself back. 

“Aww, I wouldn’t want that,” Felix said, his voice sickly sweet. 

Chan almost choked at that. Where had this attitude come from, and why was it turning him on so much? He finished his slicing and crossed in front of Felix to the sink and started the water.

Felix grabbed his hand before he held it under the faucet and Chan finally met his gaze. He brought Chan’s hand up to his mouth and dragged his tongue along his fingers, licking up the juice. Chan had to hold back a groan as Felix put two fingers into his mouth, sucking and running his tongue between them, swirling around them.

Chan felt light headed as he watched Felix through hooded lids. God, he needed him right now, fuck the consequences. 

The back door slammed open again and Chan jumped away from Felix, pulling his hand out of Felix’s mouth. He turned off the faucet and turned around to see Changbin looking intensely at Felix. Chan felt that jealousy course through him again. 

“Can you take that outside?” Felix asked, nodding to the new bowl of watermelon slices.

“Sure, Lix,” Changbin said. He was blushing. 

After Changbin let the door close again, he was silent, trying to find the best way to ask a question he didn’t really want the answer to. But he had to know. He had to do something about the jealousy that had been eating at him for months. 

“Are you… do you like Changbin?” he asked. 

Felix narrowed his eyebrows, but then his expression softened. “Chan,” he said. “You’re an idiot.”

Then, he stood up and started walking out of the room, leaving Chan standing there, not quite sure what was happening. Chan turned around just as Felix looked at him over his shoulder. “You coming?” 

As soon as they were up the stairs and in their room, Felix crowded Chan against the door and kissed him, his tongue pushing into his mouth and licking against his. He tasted like fruit and summer, and Chan was drunk on it. He pulled Felix flush against him, digging his fingers into his hips hard enough to bruise. 

Felix pushed his knee between Chan’s legs, brushing against his cock. He whined into his mouth at the contact. It had been less than a day since they had last done this, but Chan needed this like he needed air to breathe. He needed Felix, even if he wasn’t the only one Felix wanted.

Breaking away, Felix leaned into Chan, until his lips were a breath away from his ear. “I want you, Chan,” he whispered. “Only you.”

Chan couldn’t hold back his moan at the words as Felix knelt down in front of him. He ran his hands through Felix’s hair as the boy looked up at him, eyes dark with lust. 

“You don’t have to, baby,” Chan said. He knew that Felix hadn’t ever been with anyone like this, and no matter how much he wanted to see Felix’s lips stretched around his cock, he didn’t want to push him too fast. 

“I know,” Felix said, undoing Chan’s button and zipper. “But I want to. I want to be the one to make you feel good.”

He pushed down his shorts and boxer in one go, freeing his already hard cock. Chan thought that this was the new hottest thing he had ever seen in his life. But, maybe everything that Felix did would be competing for that top spot now. 

“You ask me what I think about when I touch myself, didn’t you?”

Felix took the tip in his mouth and swirled his tongue around it, much like he had with Chan’s juice-covered fingers. Chan bit down on the hand that wasn’t in Felix’s hair to muffle the noises he was making. 

Then, Felix took him almost all the way in his mouth and Chan’s knees almost gave out. The heat of Felix’s mouth around him was almost overwhelming. He definitely wasn’t going to last long. He would have been embarrassed about it if he wasn’t so in love with this feeling. 

Chan’s hand tightened in his hair as Felix began bobbing his head, his lips tightening as he ran his tongue along the underside of his cock. His hand covered the rest of the length that he couldn’t get in his mouth. Chan slammed his head against the door, tilting his head up and closing his eyes, trying to savor the sensation. 

Felix squeezed his thigh with the hand that wasn’t otherwise occupied, and Chan looked down at him, worrying that something was wrong. Instead, he found Felix looking up at him dimurly as his mouth slid up and down his length. Felix looked so fucked out, even though he hadn’t been touched yet. Chan groaned at the sight and fought to keep his hips from bucking. 

The rhythm was faster now, a little sloppier. Felix whimpered around his cock, closing his eyes and moving his hips a bit to get friction from his jeans. Chan’s eyes were on him, and the fact that Felix was clearly getting off just from doing this to him was almost enough to push him over the edge. 

Then, Felix hollowed his cheeks, making the pleasure even tighter, more acute. When he looked back up at Chan, tongue flicking against his slit, he came with a choked shout, the suddenness taking him by surprise. 

Felix pulled off of him, swallowing it all. Chan immediately knelt down in front of him, pushing his hair back from his forehead. 

“I’m so sorry I didn’t warn you,” he said. “It took me by surprise.”

Instead of responding, Felix leaned forward and kissed Chan again, letting him taste himself in Felix’s mouth. If Chan hadn’t just come, it would have been enough to make him hard again. 

Chan wrapped an arm around Felix’s back and one under his ass and stood up, carrying him to his bed, kissing him all the while. The boy under him was rock hard, his neglected cock trapped between their stomachs. Leaving Felix wanting was a crime, and Chan intended to make him feel just as good as he himself did.

He moved to kiss his neck, but recoiled at the bitter taste he was met with. Bringing up his hand, he rubbed his thumb against the offending substance and uncovered a hickey. 

“Had to cover these up, huh?” he asked, his lips ghosting against the bruise. “Couldn’t let the whole world know that you’ve been bad.” 

Felix whimpered, a hand springing into Chan’s hair.

“I’ll just have to leave them where only we can see,” Chan said, his voice dark.

Shucking his and Felix’s shirts off, he moved to kneel on the floor next to the bed. Felix sat up on his elbows as Chan took off his pants, lifting his hips up to help. 

Chan hooked his hands under Felix’s calves and pulled him forward on the bed, eliciting a yelp from Felix that dissolved into a giggle. He loved how easily he could handle Felix, how willingly he yielded to his touch. 

Looking at Felix from between his legs, Chan pulled his right thigh up to rest on his shoulder. He ran his lips over the smooth skin of his inner thigh before digging his teeth in lightly. Felix groaned and fisted his hands in the sheets. 

Chan nipped, bit and sucked on the skin of both of his inner thighs until he had created a pretty collection of purple marks and reduced Felix to a whimpering mess. 

“You’re so beautiful, baby,” he said. “Falling apart for me.”

Felix looked down at him, his face flushed, his eyes glazed. He looked like he wanted to say something, but when Chan took his cock in his mouth, he threw his head back and let out another moan. 

Chan hummed, Felix’s response turning him on more than he thought possible. He swirled his tongue around the head, and then sank down, able to take it all in his mouth. For a few minutes, he focused on pulling more of those beautiful sounds out of Felix, even though he was trying to muffle them with the back of his hand. He took his time, letting his tongue explore as he kept a steady rhythm. 

The thighs on his shoulders were shaking and Chan knew that he was close. He pulled back and Felix let out a broken noise. “Chan,” he said. He sat up on his elbows again, his lips in a pout.

Chan just smirked at him. “Don’t worry,” he said. “I’ve got you.” He pushed Felix’s knees toward his chest, spreading them apart a little. 

“What are you doing?” Felix asked, trying to get a better look down at him. 

Taking a page out of Felix’s book, rather than answering him, he licked a stripe along Felix’s hole, his tongue flicking briefly at the entrance. 

“Oh my god,” Felix groaned, threading his fingers through Chan’s hair. 

There was little Chan loved more in the world than eating someone out, and the fact that he was able to do this to Felix made him dizzy with desire. 

“Can you hold your legs apart for me, gorgeous?” Chan asked. Both of his hands were going to be otherwise occupied. Felix nodded frantically and did exactly what Chan asked. “Good boy.”

The slide on Felix’s cock was slick now as he pumped it slowly. He bent his head back down to his entrance, licking and sucking the tight muscles before working his tongue in. Felix arched his back and pushed against him. Chan chuckled at his eagerness. 

He fucked him with his tongue, holding him in place as he opened him up. When he began to loosen a little, he slipped a finger in alongside. He was able to get his tongue in further and eventually he added a second finger, scissoring him open.

Felix held Chan’s head in place, whimpering as he slid his tongue in between his fingers, pushing into him even faster now. He pumped him in rhythm with his other hand. His entrance was clenching against him, dripping with spit. Chan pushed his fingers in farther, curling them up, searching until he found the spot that would make Felix see stars. 

“Fuck, Chan, oh god,” Felix sobbed, and Chan knew he had found it. After pushing against it a few more times, Felix came, his body shuddering around Chan. He worked him through it until he was oversensitive. 

Chan untangled himself from Felix and flopped down on the bed next to him. Felix grabbed his hand and squeezed, panting too hard to speak. Chan curled against him, resting his head in the crook of his neck. 

“You,” Felix started, still panting. “Should be locked up.”

He laughed, placing a small kiss on his shoulder. “It was good then?”

“Good?” Felix asked, incredulously. He turned over to face Chan. “I think I saw God.”

Chan laughed even harder, pulling the boy against him. “I’m glad. You deserve it.”

Felix snorted. “Why do we say the cheesiest things after fucking?”

“Because it’s when we’re the most honest.” Chan was too tired to think about the undeniable truth behind that statement.

“I guess that’s true.” Felix sat up and looked down at himself and the come drying on his stomach. “The truth is that I need to shower. I’m disgusting.” 

Chan hummed. “Actually, I think this is the best you’ve ever looked.”

Felix leaned down and kissed him and Chan pulled him down on top of him. It was slow and sweet. Chan let Felix relax against him, running his hands soothingly down his back. If Chan could do this for the rest of his life, he would be the happiest man who had ever lived. He could make a career out of kissing Felix. 

After a while, Felix sat up again. “Okay, I really do need to shower now.”

“Want some company?” He held Felix’s face in his hands, physically incapable of not touching him. 

Felix turned his head and kissed his palm. “Always.”

…

Felix stood under the spray of the water and leaned against Chan’s chest as he worked his fingers through his pink locks. There was something intimate about someone playing with your hair. That it was Chan massaging his scalp had Felix ready to swoon. 

His body was worn out, soft, pliable. Chan seemed to be able to sense it, as he had moved to wash Felix without either of them having to say anything. 

He moved his head under the water, washing out the conditioner. Chan had now moved on to his own hair and Felix took a moment after all the product had washed out to just look at him. His eyes were closed, head tilted to the side. 

Chan opened his eyes and smiled at him. “What?”

I love you, he wanted to say.

Instead, he shrugged. “You’re pretty.”

Chan smiled at that and leaned in to kiss him. Felix kissed him back, his hands resting on his chest. Everything was perfect until the shampoo got in their mouth. They both jerked away, coughing and frantically trying to spit it out.

“This is why kissing in the shower is a bad idea,” Felix said. 

“Worth it,” said Chan. 

After they were both clean, they got out and Chan dried them both off. Felix put on the sleep shirt and boxers he had brought in, Chan just boxers. 

“Wanna watch a movie?” Felix asked. 

“Only if it’s not a Disney movie,” Chan said.

Felix pouted. “Meanie.” 

Chan placed a kiss in his damp hair. “So mean.”

When Chan opened the door, Changbin was in the hallway. Chan froze. Changbin didn’t look much better.

Felix took Chan’s hand and squeezed. Then, Changbin smiled.

“Finally,” he said. 

Chan seemed to loosen up a little at that. “You won’t tell?” he asked, his voice small. 

“It’s not my secret to tell,” Changbin said. Then, he went into his room and shut the door. 

Felix relaxed just a little. He knew that Changbin already knew, but now Chan knew that Changbin knew, which was a lot different. “It’s okay,” he said. But Chan still looked like he had seen a ghost. 

Just barely audible, Chan asked: “But for how long?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to Bailey for beta reading!
> 
> [twitter](https://twitter.com/chanlixrights)  
> [cc](https://curiouscat.me/chanlixrights)


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